Post-Baby Body Image

I have a lot to say about the topic of body image. So much that I'm not sure where to start or where this is going to go, I just know that I am currently filled with the need to discuss what is on my mind. Warning, this post will be ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Some of you that have kids might want to shoot me when reading this. Other might understand. I'm not sure I understand.

I went to the doctors yesterday and was blown away with what the scale said.

Lets rewind. When I found out I was pregnant, I was really excited, I wasn't sure what was in store for me at that moment, but read everything I possibly could regarding pregnancy and the baby that was developing inside of me. I could tell you what was suppose to happen in my next month, what and why things occurred recently. I could recite a hundred different birth stories complete with names. I was able to make a pretty good prediction for what was in store through many books and internet sites. Nothing could of told me what was going to happen after baby. Was I going to be able to breast feed? What type of temperament would my baby have? What is going to happen to my body after this? Will my body ever be the same?!?!

Let me start by saying I was never a small girl. Well, I was in Junior High and the beginning of high school, but after a woman's hormones kicks in, my body didn't stay boney. I was a workout-a-holic. Loved it, still do. Big quads (Thanks gymnastics.), curvy body (Thanks genes.), and a slow metabolism (Thanks but no thanks!). I ran marathons, taught aerobics, eat super healthy and could tell you what type of food elicits certain reactions in your body. I did everything right but was still never small. I wanted to be small. I wanted to feel small. My friends ate like crap, never exercised and were tiny. I lived in L.A. I wanted to be skinny too. I feel a switch has been flipped.

Two weeks after having Sawyer I went for daily walks. Stepped on the scale daily to see where I was and the number fueled my desire to get back on the exercise bandwagon. At five weeks I was back at running, at six weeks I was back to teaching aerobics and back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was content with that, but my body was different. My stomach was bigger, hips seemed wider. Clothes fit weird. I continued to exercise lightly but my new found cravings were likely to pile on the pounds. I used to hate red mean and now can't get enough hamburgers, I hated beer and can't get enough now, Potatoes? Pile them high please! Where was this coming from?!

Somehow, pounds were dropping. Two months post-pregnancy and I had to buy new jeans because ALL of my pre-pregnancy clothes were falling off. It's been six months. I eat a ton. I don't exercise like I used to. I'm too wimpy to run in this cold weather. Hand me some more french fries. Pounds continue to fall off.

I don't talk numbers usually. I'm not a fan of them. At 5'3 (and I think 3/4 even thought the doctor says 1/4 but whatever!) I weigh... oh this feels so weird... ummm... 115. That might not seem like a big deal to you. Maybe even big but I have not been that small since my freshman year of high school. I find this absolutely insane! They say if you breast feed you burn about 500 calories a day. I think this has helped but is not the main reason. I have always felt my metabolism was extra slow, even to the point of being hypothyroid. Pregnancy changes your body. I once watched some show on Discovery Health about a hypothyroid woman being rid of the disease while pregnant. I don't think that I am hypothyroid, but could pregnancy sped my metabolism? Did Sawyer flip some sort of switch in there? Thanks kid!



Though the clothes are falling off me, and the scale shows some of the lowest numbers I have seen in a long time, I don't see it. I don't feel small. I don't feel skinny. I feel like the biggest girl in the group. I feel super curvy. I feel like my butt looks big in these jeans. I always wondered how anorexics and bulimics could be sooo incredibly skinny and feel huge. I feel that connection. I know I am not fat but my body image is slightly skewed. I don't feel like that girl on the scale yesterday. Maybe being healthy is understanding the difference between my body image and my real body? I feel no matter what weight I am, I will always see myself as the slightly bigger girl with more muscle tone than most of her friends. The one that is NO WAY the size four she fits into, which proves that no matter what you look like, you look and feel best confident. It doesn't matter what I weigh. My brain thinks I am bigger than I am, but my confidence is what will really make me happy... not the number on the inside of my really cute new grey pants.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I have a few friends that want to get pregnant but are nervous. They know it changes lives. They know it brings new challenges but more than anything, they know that it changes a body like nothing else can. In the society we live it, it's sad the the biggest worry is not whether you can pay for your child's college education, but how big that kid in utero will make your butt get. I guess what I'm saying is, you never know. You will grow during pregnancy, no doubt. However, post pregnancy you may have a better figure than ever, but it won't matter. You will feel your body is the same, be too busy to notice and be FAR more worried about the consistency of your baby's poop than the circumference of your thighs.