Geoff: "Really?" Kisses my forehead, "That's so sweet Baby!"
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Marriage in a Nut Shell
Me while gagging: "Your farts haven't turned my stomach in a long time, but man, that last one really flipped it over!"
Geoff: "Really?" Kisses my forehead, "That's so sweet Baby!"
Geoff: "Really?" Kisses my forehead, "That's so sweet Baby!"
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I didn't think tractors came from there.
Charlotte got TOTALLY spoiled this weekend! I'm always blown away by how awesome our friends are and how loved we feel.
I told you guys if I had a girl, I was going to dress her in the girly of girliest things I could find. Sooo, when I was totally blown away by a blanket our friend Aurora knit, she told me Charlotte was a pink kind of girl and needed-hold on, let me find her exact words: "a SUPER delicate and SUPER flowery" blanket. Funny because yesterday was the FIRST day I dress her in clothes that ARE NOT pink and daddy says, "She looks like a John Deere Tractor."
(My little tractor in a Gap number.)
I'm hoping that's not the best compliment she'll ever receive and will stick to delicate and flowery pink for now on.
Check out the awesome blanket here and tell Aurora how freakin' talented she is!
To make my weekend even BETTER she was feeding me margaritas.
Crap, that isn't what I meant to say!
She took pictures of my little beauty and I LOVE them. Sooo, when you are done checking out the blanket, go here to see my little Charlotte and tell us what you think and by "what you think" I mean really awesome compliments that you only tell your friends about the guy you secretly stalk online because you love him THAT much.
Peace, love and Smores-
me
I told you guys if I had a girl, I was going to dress her in the girly of girliest things I could find. Sooo, when I was totally blown away by a blanket our friend Aurora knit, she told me Charlotte was a pink kind of girl and needed-hold on, let me find her exact words: "a SUPER delicate and SUPER flowery" blanket. Funny because yesterday was the FIRST day I dress her in clothes that ARE NOT pink and daddy says, "She looks like a John Deere Tractor."
(My little tractor in a Gap number.)
I'm hoping that's not the best compliment she'll ever receive and will stick to delicate and flowery pink for now on.
Check out the awesome blanket here and tell Aurora how freakin' talented she is!
To make my weekend even BETTER she was feeding me margaritas.
Crap, that isn't what I meant to say!
She took pictures of my little beauty and I LOVE them. Sooo, when you are done checking out the blanket, go here to see my little Charlotte and tell us what you think and by "what you think" I mean really awesome compliments that you only tell your friends about the guy you secretly stalk online because you love him THAT much.
Peace, love and Smores-
me
Refinished my first dresser!
Last week I took on my first transformation project: a dresser. I wanted to find Sawyer a dresser that would double as his changing table until I get the kid out of diapers. RIght now he cries when we talk about the big boy toilet and says he likes poop in his diapers. Seriously. I'm in no rush to potty train but I am on a budget so I found this beauty on Craigslist. I mean, can you believe how much furniture made from REAL WOOD cost right now? If it wasn't for craigslist, my world would be particle board.
Here she is, not bad, ey?
Until you look at the top.
A drive to Home Depot, lots of sanding, a full day wearing a mask that freaked the Hell out of Sawyer and a few coats of Shellac and you have this:
I wanted to keep it pretty natural to match the rest of his room. I'm almost finished with his room, just need some more wall decor and a few special touches and I'll bring you all pictures! Until then, here is his newly finished dresser:
This picture came out a bit orange but you get the drift.
This was sooo much easier than I expected and am looking for more trash to treasure pieces I can play with!
Here she is, not bad, ey?
Until you look at the top.
A drive to Home Depot, lots of sanding, a full day wearing a mask that freaked the Hell out of Sawyer and a few coats of Shellac and you have this:
I wanted to keep it pretty natural to match the rest of his room. I'm almost finished with his room, just need some more wall decor and a few special touches and I'll bring you all pictures! Until then, here is his newly finished dresser:
This picture came out a bit orange but you get the drift.
This was sooo much easier than I expected and am looking for more trash to treasure pieces I can play with!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Dear Charlotte: One Month
Charlotte: A month ago I was in labor, exactly one month ago. Just like I've said a million times, man how time flies. I have to say, I totally understand how people died in childbirth back in the day because if I was in labor any longer with you, I would have killed someone. You came so fast and furious and the second you were out I was so in love. I didn't expect to fall as hard for you as I did. I thought I would have to get to know you a little bit first, I mean, I was squeezing in more love in this heart of mine that is sooo filled from loving your daddy and Sawyer. You showed up, looked in my eyes and it was all over. The saying that girls can get their daddies to do anything they want might not be true in our case, I think I'm going to be the sucker. The day after you were born I stared at you, forever. I couldn't stop. There wasn't a thing more beautiful than your scrunched up little face and since then I find myself staring out you in amazement then bringing you to Geoff saying, "Look at her, seriously, she is beautiful!"
You for sure are more than I expected. You are up more than I expected, you cry more than I expected, you want to be held more than I expected, you spit up more than I expected, you eat more than I expected and I am enamored with you...more than I expected.
You came home with all this newborn weirdness I wasn't used to. No offense but your brother really was the perfect little baby with no bumps in the road. NOT YOU. RIght off the bat you had a clogged tear duct, I was sure you had reflux, you got strange newborn rashes, you bellybutton thing fell off too soon then your belly button oozed out gook for too long after. You would eat too much and then be gagging forever. It scared the crap out of me. You spit up and threw up more than I've seen. Sawyer maybe spit up 8 times in his whole life but you had us on our toes from the beginning. I predicted you would be a little more of a hell raiser than your brother and those predictions are SO right on, well, so far at least. However at your doctors appointment everything was confirmed normal and healthy newborn issues and here you are sleeping (finally) as perfectly as can be, over the bellybutton goo, rashes and spit up. You still have eye goo and Daddy says no boys will date you with bugers in your eye so we are hoping that clears up before your 20 because I'm not letting you date anyone before then. Got it SISTER?
Your super dark hair and light blue eyes amaze us. I think you look like Geoff's mom, your grandma or as Sawyer likes to call her, "Boppa". You have gained weight faster than I expected which makes me think that the boys in the family can eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce while us girls breath in oxygen and gain five pounds. Damn those boys! This is why we will forever peg them with cooties.
People love you. I never had a baby shower with you. I mean, I had one with Sawyer and it seems no one really cares about baby two but the second you were born people showered you with gifts. See, you already won them over with your adorableness. Now go use your cute ways to get mommy and daddy a sail boat!
If you haven't noticed already, you have a cute boy hovering over you at all times. He's your brother and MAN does he love you. Please excuse all the pokes to the face and eyes or the jamming of pacifier in your mouth. He can't get enough of you, wants to hold you constantly, loves pointing out your eyes to everyone we meet (they are beautiful) and trying to take care of you. He shares his sippy cup when I'm not looking and is always trying to pick you up. He has me place you next to him while he is laying down so you two can cuddle and tries really hard to make you smile. I always thought it would be the coolest thing to have a big brother and know that while you guys will fight, hope that you grow up close and appreciate each other. If loving him for the sake of him just being your brother isn't a good enough excuse, just think of all the cute friends he'll have down the line!
I love you, I love dressing you, I love kissing your cheek, I love seeing you and your brother together, I love shopping for you, I love staring at you and I love being your mom more than anything. Happy one month Charlotte, my perfect baby girl!!!
P.S. I just got her first smile! On her one month birthday! YES!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Nursing in Public?
I read an article on Mile High Mamas (Awesome site for you Colorado mamas.) this morning and think I was the only one that didn't agree with Amber (Still love her though!).
Basically a mom attending a Rockies game needed to breastfeed her child. She moved into a blocked off section to be discreet and was told she couldn't nurse there and should nurse in the bathrooms.
Ummm, the last place I will EVER nurse is the bathrooms. You eat in the bathroom.
Breastfeeding moms are scheduling a Nurse In to protest against the Rockies response.
People think it's over the top.
I think it might not even be enough.
Call me crazy but the way I see it, nursing was being discriminated against and if this was a comment against a race, the world would of FLIPPED!
I was talking to a friend a while back. She doesn't like her husband's best friend's wife. At all. Her husband didn't like that she didn't like this girl and the argument came down to him just wanting her to like everyone. I think society wants women to be accepting and loving of everyone, to not give our opinions if those opinions go against the general mass. We should be happy and love everyone and wear bonnets and churn butter. That's bull. If a man doesn't like someone, he isn't being a B word, but heaven forbid a women not get along with another woman or man or rules or anything else. Why don't we all shut our mouths, smile even though we want to scream, not vote, and bake cookies all day. Seriously.
Call me nuts but I think this women that was actually discriminated against standing up and saying something is a great thing! Almost everyone who has made a change, positive or negative, in history stood up, looked crazy but SAID SOMETHING!
I want to hear what you have to say though. Go here to read the article and let me know what you think.
Basically a mom attending a Rockies game needed to breastfeed her child. She moved into a blocked off section to be discreet and was told she couldn't nurse there and should nurse in the bathrooms.
Ummm, the last place I will EVER nurse is the bathrooms. You eat in the bathroom.
Breastfeeding moms are scheduling a Nurse In to protest against the Rockies response.
People think it's over the top.
I think it might not even be enough.
Call me crazy but the way I see it, nursing was being discriminated against and if this was a comment against a race, the world would of FLIPPED!
I was talking to a friend a while back. She doesn't like her husband's best friend's wife. At all. Her husband didn't like that she didn't like this girl and the argument came down to him just wanting her to like everyone. I think society wants women to be accepting and loving of everyone, to not give our opinions if those opinions go against the general mass. We should be happy and love everyone and wear bonnets and churn butter. That's bull. If a man doesn't like someone, he isn't being a B word, but heaven forbid a women not get along with another woman or man or rules or anything else. Why don't we all shut our mouths, smile even though we want to scream, not vote, and bake cookies all day. Seriously.
Call me nuts but I think this women that was actually discriminated against standing up and saying something is a great thing! Almost everyone who has made a change, positive or negative, in history stood up, looked crazy but SAID SOMETHING!
I want to hear what you have to say though. Go here to read the article and let me know what you think.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Tid Bits
I totally suck because I haven't been blogging.
My little guy is sick and cranky all day.
My daughter is as high maintenance as I predicted and doesn't sleep at nigh.
I make strong coffee in the morning.
Southwest found sixty severed human heads in their cargo. They said, "They weren't packed correctly." This is maybe a dumb questions but is there a correct way to pack severed human heads? Just wondering.
I found an awesome dresser on Craigslist that I am refinishing and it feels so empowering to use power tools and make something look better than it did before, you know, if I don't screw it up and make it look worse. I'm still proud of myself for the great find because, hell, furniture is expensive!
Sawyer's room is almost finished and I've started on the guest room. Geoff was hanging shadow boxes and questioning my placement but everything he has questioned me on so far has turned out JUST like I wanted. He looks back at what I did, usually going against his advice and said (no joke), "Yeah, ummm, I think you have good vision for decorating." Though I'm liking what I've done, doesn't EVERYONE like the way THEY decorate? I'm sure the previous owners really thought using kids stickers as wall decor was awesome. NOT AWESOME and NOT EASY to take off!
I got a bloggy award a while back and will be posting it and spreading the love once I get two hands back. Yes, I typed all this with one hand while feeding the kiddo. I also typed the whole birth story with one hand, I think that deserves another kind of award.
I love you guys to the Indian ocean and back and will bring more updates and pictures soon!!!
My little guy is sick and cranky all day.
My daughter is as high maintenance as I predicted and doesn't sleep at nigh.
I make strong coffee in the morning.
Southwest found sixty severed human heads in their cargo. They said, "They weren't packed correctly." This is maybe a dumb questions but is there a correct way to pack severed human heads? Just wondering.
I found an awesome dresser on Craigslist that I am refinishing and it feels so empowering to use power tools and make something look better than it did before, you know, if I don't screw it up and make it look worse. I'm still proud of myself for the great find because, hell, furniture is expensive!
Sawyer's room is almost finished and I've started on the guest room. Geoff was hanging shadow boxes and questioning my placement but everything he has questioned me on so far has turned out JUST like I wanted. He looks back at what I did, usually going against his advice and said (no joke), "Yeah, ummm, I think you have good vision for decorating." Though I'm liking what I've done, doesn't EVERYONE like the way THEY decorate? I'm sure the previous owners really thought using kids stickers as wall decor was awesome. NOT AWESOME and NOT EASY to take off!
I got a bloggy award a while back and will be posting it and spreading the love once I get two hands back. Yes, I typed all this with one hand while feeding the kiddo. I also typed the whole birth story with one hand, I think that deserves another kind of award.
I love you guys to the Indian ocean and back and will bring more updates and pictures soon!!!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Project Nursery: COMPLETE
I finally have nursery pictures. Who is going to kill me now that every post is baby related? I'm so lame. I was dying to get a nursery together and this one came out JUST like I had visioned. I'm soooo happy with it. Not only do I think it's perfect but it was on a super tight budget (Under $200, half that being paint and primer.) , we did JUST buy a house meaning, um, we can't buy much else!
Here is the final result of the crib bedding. I sewed all of it. I actually LEARNED to sew on this project.
Fairies instead of a mobile. I can't believe how much a mobile cost these days and I actually like these better. (Pottery Barn Kids)
The flowers above the changing table are from Urban Outfitters. These were maybe the most expensive thing in the room minus the paint and primer but I HAD to have them. I actually was eying these before I knew there was a girl brewing in my uterus.
My very awesome Father in Law bought us a rocker. I don't have pictures yet but in this corner is a fully upholstered creme rocker and ottoman that I LOVE!
Can I talk about how annoying these squares were to put up?! First I had one measurement off by 1/2 an inch and it messed up everything soI had to re-design the square layout. I painted the walls and ceiling all by myself (at 9 months prego), Geoff cut the moulding, I painted it, drilled holes in it and put up almost every square. It was tough getting them all to match up and be level with each other. Basically, this will be the last time I do something like that BUT I love how it turned out!
Next up is Sawyer's room. I'm in the process of sewing curtains now. Pictures to come soon!
Here is the final result of the crib bedding. I sewed all of it. I actually LEARNED to sew on this project.
Fairies instead of a mobile. I can't believe how much a mobile cost these days and I actually like these better. (Pottery Barn Kids)
The flowers above the changing table are from Urban Outfitters. These were maybe the most expensive thing in the room minus the paint and primer but I HAD to have them. I actually was eying these before I knew there was a girl brewing in my uterus.
My very awesome Father in Law bought us a rocker. I don't have pictures yet but in this corner is a fully upholstered creme rocker and ottoman that I LOVE!
Can I talk about how annoying these squares were to put up?! First I had one measurement off by 1/2 an inch and it messed up everything soI had to re-design the square layout. I painted the walls and ceiling all by myself (at 9 months prego), Geoff cut the moulding, I painted it, drilled holes in it and put up almost every square. It was tough getting them all to match up and be level with each other. Basically, this will be the last time I do something like that BUT I love how it turned out!
Next up is Sawyer's room. I'm in the process of sewing curtains now. Pictures to come soon!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Charlotte: A Birth Story
Is it safe to say that you are tired when you spell your own name wrong on your child's birth certificate application?
But you don't care about that right? The birth story, oh yeah...
This birth for sure is a hundred times different than Sawyer's. I love this birth story. It's so gross. I remember all the gross stuff. Poop and pee and screams. I mean, you guys know I talk about that stuff right? I'm so weird with this birth. I want to tell everyone and then tell them again, a hundred times! Maybe you should run now.
I feel like in order to update you, I have to start a little earlier since I haven't had much internet access.
I kept telling all of you how great I felt and I was totally okay and even welcomed going overdue. Then my blood pressure started to rise and stayed high. I was cleared of pre-eclampsia after getting my blood and urine tested but the blood pressure never went down. At 39 weeks, I hit a wall. All of a sudden I was done. Done with being unable to roll over at night. Done with not being able to bend over. Done with the constant exhaustion and I think through my blood pressure, my pregnancy was pretty much done with me. I still wanted the baby to wait until Saturday, two days before my due date and the day my mother in law flew in. Lugging Sawyer around to someone's house in the middle of contractions wasn't my idea of fun and if Grandma was here to hang out with Sawyer, life would be sooo much easier. Not to mention, Sawyer just freakin' LOVES his grandma.
Friday, the day before Grandma's arrival, I was told at my doctor's appointment that most the doctors there think I should of been induced but my incredibly awesome doctor said while I have reason TO be induced, I don't have reason I MUST be induced and frankly, "my patient doesn't WANT to be induced." So, she said, unless I wanted it, she wasn't going to tell me I needed it. I said I wanted to go natural, the inducing drugs scare me and Grandma arrives tomorrow so how about a strip?
Tease! Call in the troops.
No, kidding. I asked her to strip my membranes.
OH, I also forgot to tell you guys that a few days before this appointment Charlotte turned sideways. She went from head down to totally sideways and I was scared that in all my efforts to not be induced and just clearing the pre-eclampsia, she turns on me and I end up needing a C-Section anyway. I mean, the whole reason I didn't want to be induced was a fear that it would cause a higher probability of needing a C-Section. UGH. She turned again a day later and during an ultrasound at this appointment we saw she was head down again. WHAT a troublemaker!
I was dialated 2 1/2, got my membranes stripped Friday and was crampy all Friday and Saturday.
With Sawyer I had my membranes stripped I think twice before he came out. I was used to this crampy. It didn't scare me. I didn't think it was an indicator of things to come because everything can be an indicator and can also be a false indicator. Birth is so nicely predictable, right?
Grandma got in safely Saturday afternoon and Sunday all cramps stop. All of them. I was prepared to hit my next appointment being five days overdue. Monday was my due date and the day before all possible signs of labor stop. This is what I get for saying I wanted to go overdue right? I mean, I totally deserved it and now that I was in the possible overdue boat, I wanted to jump out and swim in the other direction. Grandma was here so it was time to get the baby OUT!
We head to bed and around 11pm, cramps start up again. I cramp and cramp and cramp and OH MY GAWD, cramp.
This has got to be fake. I mean, FALSE, this is false labor and why would it start in the middle of the night? I hate that, can't I plan you?
Cramp, cramp, CRAMP.
A few months before this, a friend sent me a Hypnobirthing book. I told her (and the rest of the world because my mouth is big), that I wanted to go natural this time around. This book advicates all natural child birth though almost self hypnosis. Since this is the only natural birthing book I read and didn't have much time to read much else AND heard really good things about hypnobirthing, I gave it a shot. I practiced the exercises, listened to the CD, visualized my birth (I know, make fun of me...). I did. Well, I tried. I knew birth was going to be tough but in my mind, anything helps.
When those cramps hit Sunday night, I thought of the exercises. One exercise is to pretend your hand has healing powers. You visualize all this stuff and eventually place you hand over the areas your body hurts and feel the pain leave the area. I think I'm a bad student or maybe an over-visualizer but all of a sudden my "magic hand" was gloved in a shiny Michael Jackson glove and I'm singing "Beat it, Beat it..." to my contractions.
Then realize maybe I don't want my contractions to "Beat It" and I miss M.J. We'll never get another new song out of him again. Sad.
CRAMP, CRAMP, CRAMPCRAMPCRAMP!
Okay, breathe, no, think glove or hand, HAND NOT GLOVE! Beat it...
CRAMPCRAMPCRAMP!
I channel Katie Holmes. The book says if you can birth quietly, it's good for the baby. I must become a Scientologist. THAT is the answer. THINK KATIE. BE KATIE.
The cramps feel worse but I'm not sure if it's in my head or if they are truly getting worse. It's in my head...
Katie, that's right, that's where I was- CRAMP!
Eww, but Tom Cruise, no thanks. Is their marriage legit, did she really birth quietly? Isn't Suri cute? Must be because she birthed without screaming. Owwwww, CRAMP! Will my child not end up cute if I'm not quiet?
CRAMPING!
GLOVE, MAGIC HAND, KATIE HOLMES, TOM IS WEIRD, CRAMP, CRAMP, CRAMP.
Then I start to actually think normal, you know, like maybe I should time these and stop being all M.J. in the middle of these contractions that I think are so fake.
CONTRACTION- 2 minutes- CONTRACTION- 2 minutes- CONTRACTION- 1 minute 40 seconds- CONTRACTION
Ummm. Maybe if I get up they will stop?
So, I get up and decide to time them while walking except I can't walk very well but I can eat Graham Crackers well so I do that instead and thought maybe I was timing contractions wrong. Why would they start at two minutes apart? For sure timing them wrong.
There it is: free contraction timer app. on the IPhone.
Yup, two minutes apart or less.
Breathe, grrrrrrrr, pain, breathe, think colors- YEAH, colors, the book said to do that too: ROYGBIV. Thinking colors will- OMG, owwwwwwwww- breathe- ummm, thinking colors will make them go away.
We are an hour from the hospital, my contractions are averaging two minutes apart.
Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Katie, NO uhhhh, BLUE, pain. Beat it, no one wants to be defeated.
Owwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!
Ummmm to call or not to call? That is where I get all messed up. Calling labor and delivery means I think something is real and I wake up people to complain about it. Do I wake up these people? Is this real?
Grrrrrrrr, owwwwww.
I call labor and delivery.
They don't sound too convinced I'm in labor so I must be wimpy and these MUST be nothing, right? I mean the girl on the phone knows everything, RIGHT? Right?!
Pain. Pain. PAIN. I am sooo wimpy, I can't even handle fake contractions. Blue, Green, Orange, what was the order? The only thing that I could do at that point is cry.
Geoff heads into the living room as I'm crying, "It's nothing, don't worry, Sawyer took forever to come out." I whimper.
Pain. Tears.
Geoff is convinced it's nothing as well since I went in with Sawyer when contractions were two minutes apart and got sent home because they weren't DOING anything. I bet these contractions aren't doing anything and we would drive an hour to be sent home. Geoff goes back to bed and I pace the living room. I can't get to one side without being hit by a contraction that sends me hunched over and breathless. I'm so wimpy. Soo, sooo wimpy. All I can think of is how no one else in the world would think these would hurt. I think I should sleep it off, go to bed and sleep this off but every time I head in the direction of the room, another contraction hits and I'm surprised by how much they are taking all mobility away from me. I have no idea what to do. Labor and Delivery said IF I really do think they are real, try paging the doctor and see what the doctor on call thinks but why wouldn't the doctor say exactly what labor and delivery said? CRAMP.
So you know what I do? You know WHAT I do?! I freakin' look at all of YOUR blogs and YOUR birth stories. I seriously start searching them out like a maniac to see what YOUR doctor said when you were in labor because I can't make a decision for myself. No joke. See how important your blogging is to the world? I place my health care decisions in your blogging hands.
While huffing through contractions, I read that most of you called the doctor before two minutes apart. I didn't have any warning though, no warning!
I call the doctor on duty because that is what YOU GUYS would do. Am I nutty?
She answers and I start, "My name is Holly and I'm due, uhhh, it's midnight so today and I'm having-"
A contraction hits and I can no longer speak, stand straight or keep my eyes open. I'm breathing heavily and the doctor is asking me questions.
Why is she asking me questions? Can't she read my mind? She's a doctor!
I take a deep breath and manage to blurt out, "I can't!"
It ends and I squeeze in, "Contractions averaging two minutes apart." Those five words have exhausted me.
She says she thinks I should go get checked. I tell her it's my second and we are an hour away so we will see them in a bit.
I sense a nervousness in her voice as she says firmly, "Get in the car NOW!"
I wake Geoff and maybe fifteen minutes later we are in the car and down the windy dirt road... only to realize we left the labor bag in the other car.
So we go back UP that windy dirt road.
I'm grabbing the handle above the passenger window and moaning though contractions. All I can do is moan.
We head back down and I start freaking out that everything is going to stop. Why is labor such a head game? There are rules to know if contractions are the real thing but you NEVER know for sure. We are going to drive an hour to find out everything has stopped.
Moaning, breathing, squeezing of handles. Geoff drives surprisingly safe down the canyon as I watch for deer in the middle of contractions.
I'm so impressed as my speed demon hubby drives safely down the road and as we are driving each new turn is a huge milestone. We MAKE it down the dirt road. We MAKE it down the road that leads to the canyon. Thank God we make it down the canyon where there is no cell service. We make it to the freeway and then into Denver and to the hospital. We make it. Geoff speeds up during each contraction and slows between them as if my little bit of normal time between contractions mean it's all going to stop and we can laugh this off in Denver and maybe catch a late movie... at 1am.
But that doesn't happen. The contractions get worse and worse. I'm moaning louder and louder. I remember being annoyed by the radio. Why is everyone singing right now? STOP WITH THE DAMN SINGING!!! After the longest drive of the century, we park, I drop everything and head to the labor and delivery entrance.
It's after hours. I hate after hours. They treat the place like a high security prison except no one is allowed in unless you seriously convince them you are in labor and not some creep dressed up as a pregnant lady in distress.
I'm hunched over and can't speak, Geoff rings the bell and yells into the camera, "SHE'S IN LABOR!"
For the first time ever, they don't ask anything but, "Does she need a wheelchair?" Clearly they can see my pain.
I hobble in. The hallway to triage seems like forever. Who designed this thing and can I fire that person? Where was the people mover, this is Labor and Delivery for crying out loud!
At the desk another contraction hits and the only thing I can do is place my forearms on the chair, bend over, sway my hips and moan though the contraction. They don't seem bothered, are super calm and ask me more questions. Seriously with the questions?
"WATER." I gasp.
A total lost cause as the answerer to questions, they calmly take me back to the room where I can get all hooked up to beeping machines and hang out to see if I'm progressing or a big fat baby.
CONTRACTION, CONTRACTION, CONTRACTION. I'm kicking my pants off toward Geoff. I can't even pull them off myself. They walk in to give me water and walk out again. CONTRACTION, CONTRACTION, CONTRACTION. I'm groaning, I'm breathing and swaying. The nurse says cheery, "That moaning sounds to me like you are about a six." Dilated a six would be good, very good. Don't get my hopes up lady, if I'm not a six, you're leaving with a black eye.
Calmly, they help me up to the bed, slowly, EVER SO SLOWLY, get some other things done (Like what, I have no idea, why do they keep leaving the room???) and finally settle into the room to check my dilation. The look on the nurse's face turns from calm and serene to freaked as she yells to the hallway, "She is an eight and bag is bulging, GET HER UP, NOW!"
I'm totally shocked. Maybe I'm not that wimpy? Take that SIX.
All of a sudden, several nurses are in my room, sit me in a wheelchair and walk me quickly up to the actual labor room. Nurses are walking (almost jogging) besides asking Geoff questions and putting bracelets on both of us. "I'm sorry," they explain to us as we are rushed up, "but we have no time." Something about not having time gets me a little excited. No long drive back to the mountains.
I'm rushed into the room where there are three doctors and several nurses. The doctor on call smiles and says she thought we wouldn't make it. I glance over at the wall where there is a sign that reads 1-10 and has a duck that you move up and down according to how dilated you are. I feel relieved my duck is almost at ten and we just got there. ALMOST AT TEN I repeat as another contraction knocks the breath out of me.
They try to do an ultrasound to make sure the head is down but at that point, I'm in such pain, I'm grabbing onto anything I can, I'm pulling myself up, moaning and swatting the ultrasound wand off my stomach. I don't know how doctors deal with this on a daily basis. More moaning, LOUDLY, I'm moaning incredibly loudly. Contractions are getting worse and they ask me what kind of pain relief I want.
Here it is.
I've been waiting for this.
"I want to try and go without."
That was it. It's been said. I've been asked and under the pressure of a lot of pain, I turn it down. I can tell that I'm going to really like this doctor. She smiles and says that I'm almost there and I could do it. The contraction pain worsens and the time between shortens. It seems like everyone is there to just stare at me, to see the show. I'm squeezing Geoff's hand and after a few contractions, I'm soaked in sweat ask how many calories giving birth burns.
They laugh but I'm not joking. I need to know.
They exchange smiles. SMILES. Can you believe that? I'm in pain and they all exchange smiles and chuckles like it's a cocktail party and I'm the entertainment. How many damn calories am I going to burn, I NEED TO KNOW!
Everything I want one minute is exactly what I don't want the next minute. I'm soaked in sweat but "I WANT MY SHIRT ON!" Maybe two minutes later, Geoff is holding me up as I'm yelling, "Get these clothes off of me, ALL OF THEM!" I'm hot, soo hot, I need the air on, and cold, I don't care how everyone else feels, I need this place COLD.
They ask if I want my water broken and predict I'll give birth in fifteen minutes after doing so but the pain will be worse. I can't imagine the pain being much worse. With each painful contraction, I'm. That's it. I'm.
A good twenty minutes go by and I realize the contractions already suck, might as well make them worse but the birth go by faster.
I ask them to break my water and within the second, a contraction hits worse than the one before and another and another and I have no breaks. I'm squeezing Geoff's hand, I'm biting him. I'm writhing in pain, I have lost all control of my body. I pee the bed and could care less. My legs are pulling into my body, they are pulling away, they are shaking, they don't know what to do, my whole body is on fire, I feel like every inch of my mid section, chest to the tiniest parts of my privates are on fire. My back is no longer bone, each muscle feels like it's tearing in half and then that part tears in half and each half is on fire. I've graduated from moaning to screaming and wonder if anyone can hear me down the hall. If felt so movie like.
Several times, Geoff has to sit down because he feels like he is going to pass out. Once he walks out of the bathroom complaining of cramps. "I think they are sympathy cramps." REALLY?! I don't want to hear about your cramps. The nurses bring him juice and step in to take over as the hand holder. I'm squeezing their hands but they aren't the rough working hands I know and love.
The pain is so intense, things are flying out of my mouth. I'm cursing. I don't curse. Contraction after contraction slam into my body, it feels like a freight train is plowing through my mid section and I'm no longer me. I'm yelling things I've never yelled before and I don't know where it's coming from.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, SHIT! SANDWICH! SHIT!!!!!"
(I'm sorry for the cursing but I'm just trying to tell you how it went, I really do feel weird about the cursing but it was just spilling out of me.)
The doctors think the sandwich thing is funny.
"I'm not fucking kidding, bring me a fucking sandwich!"
No one does anything, I can't focus, I can't breathe but everyone else seems to be breathing just fine and that pisses me off.
"STOP BREATHING. All of you, STOP! FUCK! I'm hungry, can't you bring me a sandwich, I need, SHIT! FUCK! SANDWICH!"
People ask how the pain felt. I heard that it hurts and by the end it's unbearable. That is true. There isn't a way to describe the pain. You know how an animal will chew off its own body part to free itself from a trap? I felt that I would have gnawed off the top part of my body from the mid section if that would have made the pain go away. It's the worst pain you have felt times by infinity. It's the type of pain you see in those torture films. I felt like I was being tortured and the world called this "natural" and "beautiful" just to play a mean trick on me.
I wasn't sure how long this went on until I read Charlotte's medical papers. There is a section that describes your birth. They said fifteen minutes tops after they broke my water but the contractions would hurt. It was a full forty minutes painful break free contractions. Forty minutes of cursing, and sandwich asking and at the very end, I was spent.
"I'm done, this is it, I'm dying, I am. I'm going to die. I need an epidural." I cry.
I failed. I asked for one and they said I could have it. Geoff said he was sooo proud of me and an epidural didn't change how proud he was.
I gave in and now that I did, I needed it now. I needed something to free me of this pain. The anesthesiologist was down the hall but by the time he could walk over I was pushing. This is it, no epidural.
The nurse paged for the doctors and they all ran in within seconds. My legs were sprawled and I was was pushing. The doctor looked at me and said firmly, "Holly, you need to wait, I have two gloves to put on, two, just wait until I get these gloves on."
"I don't care about your stupid gloves, AHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Pushing.
That is when I heard a word I dreaded, "lip".
"She has a lip of cervix." The doctor announces.
I have heard of this before in one of my favorite birth stories. I wanted to cry. Don't tell me I have a lip of cervix, this is going to ruin everything. My life is ruined, I have a lip of cervix.
"BUT, I think she can push through it."
Everyone gets into place, I'm trying to pull behind my knees but each part of my body is working against the other. My biceps are pulling my legs in but my quads are pulling my legs away. I'm exhausted. I want to give up. The only thing that gets me from the pain to the pushing is knowing that getting this baby out will stop the pain.
Geoff asked if this is like the whole marathon comparison. Eff a marathon. Been there done that, a marathon is like a pony ride compared to this. A marathon you train for, you run 20 or more miles several times before the big day, you PRACTICE that pain. There is no way to practice this pain. A marathon is NOTHING compared to this.
My whole body is shaking as the doctors tell me to let my contraction build up then to push. Build? BUILD? You think my contractions have given me enough mercy to build? Those suckers have one mode and that is peak.
I take a deep breath, hold it in and push with all my might. The weirdest thing about pushing is that once you are at the pushing stage, the pain of the contraction seems to disappear. I'm not sure if it really is gone or if you are just so happy to do something about the pain it seems to have disappeared, like scratching an itch. It gives me reason to push more and though I had this new "reason" to push, my pushes didn't seem to do much. I knew this. I felt her head against me, I felt the stinging of my skin stretching but I knew she wasn't going anywhere soon.
I would breathe, pull my legs back, curl my upper body in and push until I felt my eyes were going to pop out. I saw the nurse wiping my butt. The lights were bright, there were people gathered all around and the only thing I was pushing out was poop.
"I'm pooping. That is it, poop!" I yell defeated. The doctor looks up, gives me the funniest face and shakes her head no. She is a total liar but the way she lies makes me just want to hug her.
Contraction after contraction hit and I'm pushing incredibly hard. Something was different, something was off, I knew she was small, Sawyer slid on out but she wasn't moving much.
I thought giving birth without pain relief was going to prove to me how amazing birth was and it was designed so perfectly. You know, like, THAT is why it's done this way. I have SEEN THE LIGHT. As I was pushing and my skin was stinging I felt the exact opposite. Everything seemed so wrong. This whole process seemed so off. This was NOT how it's suppose to be. I was not suppose to be pushing something out of there. Things of this size are NOT suppose to exit that area. It was painfully clear this was NOT how it's suppose to be.
Sawyer has a block toy with various shaped holes in it and it comes with different shapes you put into those holes. A square goes into the square hole, a triangle into the triangle hole but a square will never fit into the triangle hole no matter how hard you bang.
I felt like I was trying to bang a square into a triangle hole and it wasn't right. There needed to be another way. I didn't get why I had to do all this work and the doctors couldn't magically get her out. I wanted a coffee break and for the staff to do the rest of the work. Haven't I done enough? My square was not coming out of my triangle. It was not suppose to be that way.
After several incredibly hard pushes, I felt some progress and after several more her head was out. Finally, her head was out. She was sunny side up, or face up. Her head had not contorted to fit nicely like Sawyer's head. On one hand, there was no cone head baby you had to cover with a hat but on the other, I had to push the biggest part of her head out first. THAT is why the pushing was so hard. That is why I was banging a square against a triangle.
A few more pushes and she was born. I was able to see everything. I was so aware, so awake, so not drugged. I felt like I had a million cups of coffee, she was upside down and slimy and gorgeous and with the biggest smile all I could say was, "I have a baby!"
This is where everything changed. The pain was gone and everything I could of wished for regarding a birth came true at this moment. She was (and still is) perfect. They placed her on my stomach and I got to rub her face and look into her eyes. She was waxy and amazing. She looked at me so aware like she knew what was going on. She looked around the room, she looked at her daddy. She was wide awake and I got to hang out with her skin to skin. We stayed like that while they stitched me up. We stayed like that for a long time. There was not one complication. No fever that needed to be treated with antibiotics, no heart rate dips, nothing. These things all happened during Sawyer's birth and they kept saying they might have to do a C-Section if his heart rate dropped more or if this or if that. All things they say are usually caused by an epidural, we were free of. Free of all complications. Free as she lay on my stomach, my daughter, my perfect little thing. We were all awake and fully aware, she was sooo aware of everything. She was incredibly gorgeous. I felt so in love instantly. I felt like all these natural chemicals were free to roam in my body and that this was exactly how it was suppose to be. Triangle against square, private parts on fire, curse words and missing sandwiches, it was this moment that made it all seem so meant to be, perfectly, hellishly meant to be.
Exactly one hour after arriving at the hospital, Charlotte Marion Strebel was born and we continue to fall head over feet for her each minute of every day.
He never stops with the kisses!
Pure heaven!
Weight: 5 pouns 15 ounces
Length: 19 inches long
The Afters: You guys ask for gory and I'll give it to you, think of this as the bonus DVD: The pushing on my stomach to deliver the after birth sucked pretty bad. It hurt. I kept pushing the nurse away. They gave me a local anesthesia before stitching me and tore a tiny bit in my perineum and tore on the side (Not sure how or where, haven't checked it out.) from her being face up. I got hemorrhoids from pushing that might have hurt the worst. I've never had hemorrhoids before and MAN they suck. It looked like I burst blood vessels all over my body because the few days following her birth I was purple, each dot of pigment on my skin was bright purple.
I thought if I was able to give birth without pain relief, I would think that I would have this new outlook on pain like, if I did THAT I can do ANYTHING but I felt so opposite afterword. I felt that after experiencing the horrific pain that is childbirth I didn't think I should ever experience pain again. I remember them pushing me from the delivery room to the recovery room thinking that I never wanted to feel pain again. I was done with pain, not a splinter, stubbed toe, popcorn kernel in the tooth, NOTHING!
I feel a lot better and feel like I'm healing WAY faster than I did after having Sawyer. I was surprised by how sore I was even right after having her. Gripping and pulling anything I could get my hands on left my biceps useless for two days. It was amazing to realize just how hard I was grabbing at things during contractions, labor left me more sore than any workout I've ever had. They never told me how many calories I burned but I totally recommend an epi free labor over an hour step class ANY DAY... calorie wise that is.
But you don't care about that right? The birth story, oh yeah...
This birth for sure is a hundred times different than Sawyer's. I love this birth story. It's so gross. I remember all the gross stuff. Poop and pee and screams. I mean, you guys know I talk about that stuff right? I'm so weird with this birth. I want to tell everyone and then tell them again, a hundred times! Maybe you should run now.
I feel like in order to update you, I have to start a little earlier since I haven't had much internet access.
I kept telling all of you how great I felt and I was totally okay and even welcomed going overdue. Then my blood pressure started to rise and stayed high. I was cleared of pre-eclampsia after getting my blood and urine tested but the blood pressure never went down. At 39 weeks, I hit a wall. All of a sudden I was done. Done with being unable to roll over at night. Done with not being able to bend over. Done with the constant exhaustion and I think through my blood pressure, my pregnancy was pretty much done with me. I still wanted the baby to wait until Saturday, two days before my due date and the day my mother in law flew in. Lugging Sawyer around to someone's house in the middle of contractions wasn't my idea of fun and if Grandma was here to hang out with Sawyer, life would be sooo much easier. Not to mention, Sawyer just freakin' LOVES his grandma.
Friday, the day before Grandma's arrival, I was told at my doctor's appointment that most the doctors there think I should of been induced but my incredibly awesome doctor said while I have reason TO be induced, I don't have reason I MUST be induced and frankly, "my patient doesn't WANT to be induced." So, she said, unless I wanted it, she wasn't going to tell me I needed it. I said I wanted to go natural, the inducing drugs scare me and Grandma arrives tomorrow so how about a strip?
Tease! Call in the troops.
No, kidding. I asked her to strip my membranes.
OH, I also forgot to tell you guys that a few days before this appointment Charlotte turned sideways. She went from head down to totally sideways and I was scared that in all my efforts to not be induced and just clearing the pre-eclampsia, she turns on me and I end up needing a C-Section anyway. I mean, the whole reason I didn't want to be induced was a fear that it would cause a higher probability of needing a C-Section. UGH. She turned again a day later and during an ultrasound at this appointment we saw she was head down again. WHAT a troublemaker!
I was dialated 2 1/2, got my membranes stripped Friday and was crampy all Friday and Saturday.
With Sawyer I had my membranes stripped I think twice before he came out. I was used to this crampy. It didn't scare me. I didn't think it was an indicator of things to come because everything can be an indicator and can also be a false indicator. Birth is so nicely predictable, right?
Grandma got in safely Saturday afternoon and Sunday all cramps stop. All of them. I was prepared to hit my next appointment being five days overdue. Monday was my due date and the day before all possible signs of labor stop. This is what I get for saying I wanted to go overdue right? I mean, I totally deserved it and now that I was in the possible overdue boat, I wanted to jump out and swim in the other direction. Grandma was here so it was time to get the baby OUT!
We head to bed and around 11pm, cramps start up again. I cramp and cramp and cramp and OH MY GAWD, cramp.
This has got to be fake. I mean, FALSE, this is false labor and why would it start in the middle of the night? I hate that, can't I plan you?
Cramp, cramp, CRAMP.
A few months before this, a friend sent me a Hypnobirthing book. I told her (and the rest of the world because my mouth is big), that I wanted to go natural this time around. This book advicates all natural child birth though almost self hypnosis. Since this is the only natural birthing book I read and didn't have much time to read much else AND heard really good things about hypnobirthing, I gave it a shot. I practiced the exercises, listened to the CD, visualized my birth (I know, make fun of me...). I did. Well, I tried. I knew birth was going to be tough but in my mind, anything helps.
When those cramps hit Sunday night, I thought of the exercises. One exercise is to pretend your hand has healing powers. You visualize all this stuff and eventually place you hand over the areas your body hurts and feel the pain leave the area. I think I'm a bad student or maybe an over-visualizer but all of a sudden my "magic hand" was gloved in a shiny Michael Jackson glove and I'm singing "Beat it, Beat it..." to my contractions.
Then realize maybe I don't want my contractions to "Beat It" and I miss M.J. We'll never get another new song out of him again. Sad.
CRAMP, CRAMP, CRAMPCRAMPCRAMP!
Okay, breathe, no, think glove or hand, HAND NOT GLOVE! Beat it...
CRAMPCRAMPCRAMP!
I channel Katie Holmes. The book says if you can birth quietly, it's good for the baby. I must become a Scientologist. THAT is the answer. THINK KATIE. BE KATIE.
The cramps feel worse but I'm not sure if it's in my head or if they are truly getting worse. It's in my head...
Katie, that's right, that's where I was- CRAMP!
Eww, but Tom Cruise, no thanks. Is their marriage legit, did she really birth quietly? Isn't Suri cute? Must be because she birthed without screaming. Owwwww, CRAMP! Will my child not end up cute if I'm not quiet?
CRAMPING!
GLOVE, MAGIC HAND, KATIE HOLMES, TOM IS WEIRD, CRAMP, CRAMP, CRAMP.
Then I start to actually think normal, you know, like maybe I should time these and stop being all M.J. in the middle of these contractions that I think are so fake.
CONTRACTION- 2 minutes- CONTRACTION- 2 minutes- CONTRACTION- 1 minute 40 seconds- CONTRACTION
Ummm. Maybe if I get up they will stop?
So, I get up and decide to time them while walking except I can't walk very well but I can eat Graham Crackers well so I do that instead and thought maybe I was timing contractions wrong. Why would they start at two minutes apart? For sure timing them wrong.
There it is: free contraction timer app. on the IPhone.
Yup, two minutes apart or less.
Breathe, grrrrrrrr, pain, breathe, think colors- YEAH, colors, the book said to do that too: ROYGBIV. Thinking colors will- OMG, owwwwwwwww- breathe- ummm, thinking colors will make them go away.
We are an hour from the hospital, my contractions are averaging two minutes apart.
Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Katie, NO uhhhh, BLUE, pain. Beat it, no one wants to be defeated.
Owwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!
Ummmm to call or not to call? That is where I get all messed up. Calling labor and delivery means I think something is real and I wake up people to complain about it. Do I wake up these people? Is this real?
Grrrrrrrr, owwwwww.
I call labor and delivery.
They don't sound too convinced I'm in labor so I must be wimpy and these MUST be nothing, right? I mean the girl on the phone knows everything, RIGHT? Right?!
Pain. Pain. PAIN. I am sooo wimpy, I can't even handle fake contractions. Blue, Green, Orange, what was the order? The only thing that I could do at that point is cry.
Geoff heads into the living room as I'm crying, "It's nothing, don't worry, Sawyer took forever to come out." I whimper.
Pain. Tears.
Geoff is convinced it's nothing as well since I went in with Sawyer when contractions were two minutes apart and got sent home because they weren't DOING anything. I bet these contractions aren't doing anything and we would drive an hour to be sent home. Geoff goes back to bed and I pace the living room. I can't get to one side without being hit by a contraction that sends me hunched over and breathless. I'm so wimpy. Soo, sooo wimpy. All I can think of is how no one else in the world would think these would hurt. I think I should sleep it off, go to bed and sleep this off but every time I head in the direction of the room, another contraction hits and I'm surprised by how much they are taking all mobility away from me. I have no idea what to do. Labor and Delivery said IF I really do think they are real, try paging the doctor and see what the doctor on call thinks but why wouldn't the doctor say exactly what labor and delivery said? CRAMP.
So you know what I do? You know WHAT I do?! I freakin' look at all of YOUR blogs and YOUR birth stories. I seriously start searching them out like a maniac to see what YOUR doctor said when you were in labor because I can't make a decision for myself. No joke. See how important your blogging is to the world? I place my health care decisions in your blogging hands.
While huffing through contractions, I read that most of you called the doctor before two minutes apart. I didn't have any warning though, no warning!
I call the doctor on duty because that is what YOU GUYS would do. Am I nutty?
She answers and I start, "My name is Holly and I'm due, uhhh, it's midnight so today and I'm having-"
A contraction hits and I can no longer speak, stand straight or keep my eyes open. I'm breathing heavily and the doctor is asking me questions.
Why is she asking me questions? Can't she read my mind? She's a doctor!
I take a deep breath and manage to blurt out, "I can't!"
It ends and I squeeze in, "Contractions averaging two minutes apart." Those five words have exhausted me.
She says she thinks I should go get checked. I tell her it's my second and we are an hour away so we will see them in a bit.
I sense a nervousness in her voice as she says firmly, "Get in the car NOW!"
I wake Geoff and maybe fifteen minutes later we are in the car and down the windy dirt road... only to realize we left the labor bag in the other car.
So we go back UP that windy dirt road.
I'm grabbing the handle above the passenger window and moaning though contractions. All I can do is moan.
We head back down and I start freaking out that everything is going to stop. Why is labor such a head game? There are rules to know if contractions are the real thing but you NEVER know for sure. We are going to drive an hour to find out everything has stopped.
Moaning, breathing, squeezing of handles. Geoff drives surprisingly safe down the canyon as I watch for deer in the middle of contractions.
I'm so impressed as my speed demon hubby drives safely down the road and as we are driving each new turn is a huge milestone. We MAKE it down the dirt road. We MAKE it down the road that leads to the canyon. Thank God we make it down the canyon where there is no cell service. We make it to the freeway and then into Denver and to the hospital. We make it. Geoff speeds up during each contraction and slows between them as if my little bit of normal time between contractions mean it's all going to stop and we can laugh this off in Denver and maybe catch a late movie... at 1am.
But that doesn't happen. The contractions get worse and worse. I'm moaning louder and louder. I remember being annoyed by the radio. Why is everyone singing right now? STOP WITH THE DAMN SINGING!!! After the longest drive of the century, we park, I drop everything and head to the labor and delivery entrance.
It's after hours. I hate after hours. They treat the place like a high security prison except no one is allowed in unless you seriously convince them you are in labor and not some creep dressed up as a pregnant lady in distress.
I'm hunched over and can't speak, Geoff rings the bell and yells into the camera, "SHE'S IN LABOR!"
For the first time ever, they don't ask anything but, "Does she need a wheelchair?" Clearly they can see my pain.
I hobble in. The hallway to triage seems like forever. Who designed this thing and can I fire that person? Where was the people mover, this is Labor and Delivery for crying out loud!
At the desk another contraction hits and the only thing I can do is place my forearms on the chair, bend over, sway my hips and moan though the contraction. They don't seem bothered, are super calm and ask me more questions. Seriously with the questions?
"WATER." I gasp.
A total lost cause as the answerer to questions, they calmly take me back to the room where I can get all hooked up to beeping machines and hang out to see if I'm progressing or a big fat baby.
CONTRACTION, CONTRACTION, CONTRACTION. I'm kicking my pants off toward Geoff. I can't even pull them off myself. They walk in to give me water and walk out again. CONTRACTION, CONTRACTION, CONTRACTION. I'm groaning, I'm breathing and swaying. The nurse says cheery, "That moaning sounds to me like you are about a six." Dilated a six would be good, very good. Don't get my hopes up lady, if I'm not a six, you're leaving with a black eye.
Calmly, they help me up to the bed, slowly, EVER SO SLOWLY, get some other things done (Like what, I have no idea, why do they keep leaving the room???) and finally settle into the room to check my dilation. The look on the nurse's face turns from calm and serene to freaked as she yells to the hallway, "She is an eight and bag is bulging, GET HER UP, NOW!"
I'm totally shocked. Maybe I'm not that wimpy? Take that SIX.
All of a sudden, several nurses are in my room, sit me in a wheelchair and walk me quickly up to the actual labor room. Nurses are walking (almost jogging) besides asking Geoff questions and putting bracelets on both of us. "I'm sorry," they explain to us as we are rushed up, "but we have no time." Something about not having time gets me a little excited. No long drive back to the mountains.
I'm rushed into the room where there are three doctors and several nurses. The doctor on call smiles and says she thought we wouldn't make it. I glance over at the wall where there is a sign that reads 1-10 and has a duck that you move up and down according to how dilated you are. I feel relieved my duck is almost at ten and we just got there. ALMOST AT TEN I repeat as another contraction knocks the breath out of me.
They try to do an ultrasound to make sure the head is down but at that point, I'm in such pain, I'm grabbing onto anything I can, I'm pulling myself up, moaning and swatting the ultrasound wand off my stomach. I don't know how doctors deal with this on a daily basis. More moaning, LOUDLY, I'm moaning incredibly loudly. Contractions are getting worse and they ask me what kind of pain relief I want.
Here it is.
I've been waiting for this.
"I want to try and go without."
That was it. It's been said. I've been asked and under the pressure of a lot of pain, I turn it down. I can tell that I'm going to really like this doctor. She smiles and says that I'm almost there and I could do it. The contraction pain worsens and the time between shortens. It seems like everyone is there to just stare at me, to see the show. I'm squeezing Geoff's hand and after a few contractions, I'm soaked in sweat ask how many calories giving birth burns.
They laugh but I'm not joking. I need to know.
They exchange smiles. SMILES. Can you believe that? I'm in pain and they all exchange smiles and chuckles like it's a cocktail party and I'm the entertainment. How many damn calories am I going to burn, I NEED TO KNOW!
Everything I want one minute is exactly what I don't want the next minute. I'm soaked in sweat but "I WANT MY SHIRT ON!" Maybe two minutes later, Geoff is holding me up as I'm yelling, "Get these clothes off of me, ALL OF THEM!" I'm hot, soo hot, I need the air on, and cold, I don't care how everyone else feels, I need this place COLD.
They ask if I want my water broken and predict I'll give birth in fifteen minutes after doing so but the pain will be worse. I can't imagine the pain being much worse. With each painful contraction, I'm. That's it. I'm.
A good twenty minutes go by and I realize the contractions already suck, might as well make them worse but the birth go by faster.
I ask them to break my water and within the second, a contraction hits worse than the one before and another and another and I have no breaks. I'm squeezing Geoff's hand, I'm biting him. I'm writhing in pain, I have lost all control of my body. I pee the bed and could care less. My legs are pulling into my body, they are pulling away, they are shaking, they don't know what to do, my whole body is on fire, I feel like every inch of my mid section, chest to the tiniest parts of my privates are on fire. My back is no longer bone, each muscle feels like it's tearing in half and then that part tears in half and each half is on fire. I've graduated from moaning to screaming and wonder if anyone can hear me down the hall. If felt so movie like.
Several times, Geoff has to sit down because he feels like he is going to pass out. Once he walks out of the bathroom complaining of cramps. "I think they are sympathy cramps." REALLY?! I don't want to hear about your cramps. The nurses bring him juice and step in to take over as the hand holder. I'm squeezing their hands but they aren't the rough working hands I know and love.
The pain is so intense, things are flying out of my mouth. I'm cursing. I don't curse. Contraction after contraction slam into my body, it feels like a freight train is plowing through my mid section and I'm no longer me. I'm yelling things I've never yelled before and I don't know where it's coming from.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, SHIT! SANDWICH! SHIT!!!!!"
(I'm sorry for the cursing but I'm just trying to tell you how it went, I really do feel weird about the cursing but it was just spilling out of me.)
The doctors think the sandwich thing is funny.
"I'm not fucking kidding, bring me a fucking sandwich!"
No one does anything, I can't focus, I can't breathe but everyone else seems to be breathing just fine and that pisses me off.
"STOP BREATHING. All of you, STOP! FUCK! I'm hungry, can't you bring me a sandwich, I need, SHIT! FUCK! SANDWICH!"
People ask how the pain felt. I heard that it hurts and by the end it's unbearable. That is true. There isn't a way to describe the pain. You know how an animal will chew off its own body part to free itself from a trap? I felt that I would have gnawed off the top part of my body from the mid section if that would have made the pain go away. It's the worst pain you have felt times by infinity. It's the type of pain you see in those torture films. I felt like I was being tortured and the world called this "natural" and "beautiful" just to play a mean trick on me.
I wasn't sure how long this went on until I read Charlotte's medical papers. There is a section that describes your birth. They said fifteen minutes tops after they broke my water but the contractions would hurt. It was a full forty minutes painful break free contractions. Forty minutes of cursing, and sandwich asking and at the very end, I was spent.
"I'm done, this is it, I'm dying, I am. I'm going to die. I need an epidural." I cry.
I failed. I asked for one and they said I could have it. Geoff said he was sooo proud of me and an epidural didn't change how proud he was.
I gave in and now that I did, I needed it now. I needed something to free me of this pain. The anesthesiologist was down the hall but by the time he could walk over I was pushing. This is it, no epidural.
The nurse paged for the doctors and they all ran in within seconds. My legs were sprawled and I was was pushing. The doctor looked at me and said firmly, "Holly, you need to wait, I have two gloves to put on, two, just wait until I get these gloves on."
"I don't care about your stupid gloves, AHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Pushing.
That is when I heard a word I dreaded, "lip".
"She has a lip of cervix." The doctor announces.
I have heard of this before in one of my favorite birth stories. I wanted to cry. Don't tell me I have a lip of cervix, this is going to ruin everything. My life is ruined, I have a lip of cervix.
"BUT, I think she can push through it."
Everyone gets into place, I'm trying to pull behind my knees but each part of my body is working against the other. My biceps are pulling my legs in but my quads are pulling my legs away. I'm exhausted. I want to give up. The only thing that gets me from the pain to the pushing is knowing that getting this baby out will stop the pain.
Geoff asked if this is like the whole marathon comparison. Eff a marathon. Been there done that, a marathon is like a pony ride compared to this. A marathon you train for, you run 20 or more miles several times before the big day, you PRACTICE that pain. There is no way to practice this pain. A marathon is NOTHING compared to this.
My whole body is shaking as the doctors tell me to let my contraction build up then to push. Build? BUILD? You think my contractions have given me enough mercy to build? Those suckers have one mode and that is peak.
I take a deep breath, hold it in and push with all my might. The weirdest thing about pushing is that once you are at the pushing stage, the pain of the contraction seems to disappear. I'm not sure if it really is gone or if you are just so happy to do something about the pain it seems to have disappeared, like scratching an itch. It gives me reason to push more and though I had this new "reason" to push, my pushes didn't seem to do much. I knew this. I felt her head against me, I felt the stinging of my skin stretching but I knew she wasn't going anywhere soon.
I would breathe, pull my legs back, curl my upper body in and push until I felt my eyes were going to pop out. I saw the nurse wiping my butt. The lights were bright, there were people gathered all around and the only thing I was pushing out was poop.
"I'm pooping. That is it, poop!" I yell defeated. The doctor looks up, gives me the funniest face and shakes her head no. She is a total liar but the way she lies makes me just want to hug her.
Contraction after contraction hit and I'm pushing incredibly hard. Something was different, something was off, I knew she was small, Sawyer slid on out but she wasn't moving much.
I thought giving birth without pain relief was going to prove to me how amazing birth was and it was designed so perfectly. You know, like, THAT is why it's done this way. I have SEEN THE LIGHT. As I was pushing and my skin was stinging I felt the exact opposite. Everything seemed so wrong. This whole process seemed so off. This was NOT how it's suppose to be. I was not suppose to be pushing something out of there. Things of this size are NOT suppose to exit that area. It was painfully clear this was NOT how it's suppose to be.
Sawyer has a block toy with various shaped holes in it and it comes with different shapes you put into those holes. A square goes into the square hole, a triangle into the triangle hole but a square will never fit into the triangle hole no matter how hard you bang.
I felt like I was trying to bang a square into a triangle hole and it wasn't right. There needed to be another way. I didn't get why I had to do all this work and the doctors couldn't magically get her out. I wanted a coffee break and for the staff to do the rest of the work. Haven't I done enough? My square was not coming out of my triangle. It was not suppose to be that way.
After several incredibly hard pushes, I felt some progress and after several more her head was out. Finally, her head was out. She was sunny side up, or face up. Her head had not contorted to fit nicely like Sawyer's head. On one hand, there was no cone head baby you had to cover with a hat but on the other, I had to push the biggest part of her head out first. THAT is why the pushing was so hard. That is why I was banging a square against a triangle.
A few more pushes and she was born. I was able to see everything. I was so aware, so awake, so not drugged. I felt like I had a million cups of coffee, she was upside down and slimy and gorgeous and with the biggest smile all I could say was, "I have a baby!"
This is where everything changed. The pain was gone and everything I could of wished for regarding a birth came true at this moment. She was (and still is) perfect. They placed her on my stomach and I got to rub her face and look into her eyes. She was waxy and amazing. She looked at me so aware like she knew what was going on. She looked around the room, she looked at her daddy. She was wide awake and I got to hang out with her skin to skin. We stayed like that while they stitched me up. We stayed like that for a long time. There was not one complication. No fever that needed to be treated with antibiotics, no heart rate dips, nothing. These things all happened during Sawyer's birth and they kept saying they might have to do a C-Section if his heart rate dropped more or if this or if that. All things they say are usually caused by an epidural, we were free of. Free of all complications. Free as she lay on my stomach, my daughter, my perfect little thing. We were all awake and fully aware, she was sooo aware of everything. She was incredibly gorgeous. I felt so in love instantly. I felt like all these natural chemicals were free to roam in my body and that this was exactly how it was suppose to be. Triangle against square, private parts on fire, curse words and missing sandwiches, it was this moment that made it all seem so meant to be, perfectly, hellishly meant to be.
Exactly one hour after arriving at the hospital, Charlotte Marion Strebel was born and we continue to fall head over feet for her each minute of every day.
He never stops with the kisses!
Pure heaven!
Weight: 5 pouns 15 ounces
Length: 19 inches long
The Afters: You guys ask for gory and I'll give it to you, think of this as the bonus DVD: The pushing on my stomach to deliver the after birth sucked pretty bad. It hurt. I kept pushing the nurse away. They gave me a local anesthesia before stitching me and tore a tiny bit in my perineum and tore on the side (Not sure how or where, haven't checked it out.) from her being face up. I got hemorrhoids from pushing that might have hurt the worst. I've never had hemorrhoids before and MAN they suck. It looked like I burst blood vessels all over my body because the few days following her birth I was purple, each dot of pigment on my skin was bright purple.
I thought if I was able to give birth without pain relief, I would think that I would have this new outlook on pain like, if I did THAT I can do ANYTHING but I felt so opposite afterword. I felt that after experiencing the horrific pain that is childbirth I didn't think I should ever experience pain again. I remember them pushing me from the delivery room to the recovery room thinking that I never wanted to feel pain again. I was done with pain, not a splinter, stubbed toe, popcorn kernel in the tooth, NOTHING!
I feel a lot better and feel like I'm healing WAY faster than I did after having Sawyer. I was surprised by how sore I was even right after having her. Gripping and pulling anything I could get my hands on left my biceps useless for two days. It was amazing to realize just how hard I was grabbing at things during contractions, labor left me more sore than any workout I've ever had. They never told me how many calories I burned but I totally recommend an epi free labor over an hour step class ANY DAY... calorie wise that is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)