Before the Beer? A Complex Question

Internet friends, you are so awesome. You make me feel like my angry vagina outbursts are normal and for that I am forever in debt to you.

(Recap: I am over being pissy and NO I'm NOT pregnant. Just an early, uhhh, girl cycle. Joy. If my mother in law was not here, it would of been way worse. This week end up being totally awesome and next time we buy her a ticket here, we aren't letting her go back home. Did I tell you she was in town? Bliss.)

Moving on with my next problem.

I have this friend. She is like totally two-faced. She's all, "Holly, I like you, you are funny. we are MEANT to hang out, we are BEST FRIENDS" and then when I let my guard down, she stabs me in the back.

WTF?

But when I had to go nine months without hanging out with her, it's kind of hard to let her go so easily.

Now I LOVE to hang out with her. Especially with salt around the rim (closing my eyes remembering our times together), I hold her gently and take sips. I let my husband hold her and try a taste.

But just when we get all cozy, I noticed my girl Margarita is attaching herself onto my thighs and it's NOT PRETTY!

What a B-word, right?!?!

Sooo, I'm fatty-boom-batty and I need to lose a few pounds and kick Marg to the curb for a bit. I can't be all jiggly when teaching a kickboxing class.

I.

Just.

Can't.

So, REALLY, I'm thinking about doing a cleanse of some sort. You know, one of those eat like nothing and then the next time you drink, you only need one drink to feel tipsy and not six?

But my REAL question is, when do Is start? Now, with a large pack of Sam Adams in the fridge?

Or AFTER my hubby and I drink them?

Maybe Sam isn't as two-faced as Marg? You guys know all the answers so YOU decide... because I'm five and can't decide for myself.

And you guys are pretty and I only listen to pretty people.

Just so you know what ends up in my mailbox.

So I ordered this online today.



She better not be a little B word.

I plan on beating the crap out of those 20 pounds just like Michael Lohan treats his girlfriends.

Moral: Don't attach yourself onto my thighs or date wife beaters.

Basically, I'm full of wisdom.

Operation: Get in Shape, Lose Mass Weight

Guys, I'm super fat. LIke super size me, supah fat. I hate it. It's making me self conscious. I can feel my thighs rub together. This is not cool. I can only fit into my fat clothes.

Fat.
Fat.
Fat.

To make matters worse, my frenemy sent me home with the largest slice of delicious cake last night. This is how she went from friend to frenemy. (She doesn't know about this transition yet.) Just to give you a little description on the cake goodness, she went through THREE batches before getting the cake JUST RIGHT! I mean, talk about a perfectionist baker right? When Sawyer's birthday cake didn't turn out so hot, I just sculpted it into a train that end up looking more like a man's privates, got frustrated and called it good. Happy Birthday kid, here is your penis cake. But not my frenemy and now the few pounds of frosted deliciousness is taunting me from the kitchen.

"Hey gurl, you lookin' so good. How about a piece of me? Hmmmm?"

Shut up CAKE?! You will say ANYTHING to get into someones hands. I'm not falling for your lines THIS TIME!

So I decided that I want to get back into pre-pregnancy weight by my next appointment in October. Fifteen pounds to lose before October. Actually, I have TWENTY pounds to lose but I'm giving myself five as a buffer.

This means I need to step on the scale.

And not drink mojitos every chance I get.

The second might be more difficult than the first.

I'm doomed.

You Know how I Know my Husband Likes my A$$ Fat?

He bought me this for Valentines Day.



And now I'm making stuff like



and


and


I love you husband, Happy Valentines Day! In return, you will have some insanely strong arms... you know, from rolling me up and down the street. Now pass me the frosting.

The Post Where I'm Super Fat *Fixed with the right link!*

Nothing whacks you across they head shouting 'Lard Legs!' quite like summer.

Oh summer, you and your short shorts, arm showing tank tops, don't get in the water unless you put on a suit that only covers a few inches of your body, you. How much do we love thee? Way to remind me that I've got cellulite. Oh you, charming you, summer.

I realized, I turned into a fatty. I did. I'm not sure how it happened, could be the booze and the drugs. Okay, so maybe I have never done drugs but I guess it could be the booze. That or finishing the food on Sawyer's plate, or my new love of scones, or perhaps it's from last week when I baked cookies. Yes, you just read that. I baked cookies. Me: baking cookies. Cookies me did bake. Get it? I baked cookies all by myself. AND though I accidently doubled the salt, they actually came out pretty decent, as in edible. I made cookies FROM SCRATCH that were edible. WHOA! I know, you might need a minute to process that goodness. Done? The aftermath of me baking edible cookies, was, of course, me eating all of them. Every single one. Compliments to the chef! Anyway, point is, I turned into lardy, and I'm over it.

I'm not saying this because I'm fishing for compliments, or want you guys to say how pretty I am. Hello?! Doesn't EVERYONE know how pretty I am?? (I'm being sarcastic, relax, your so vain, you probably think this song is about me.) I'm saying this because I'm simply not happy with my body right now and know it can be better. I know I can be more toned, I know my stomach can have a little less jiggle and I know I can one day wave my arms without my fat waving back and forth after.

Remember this post where I talked about how I kept losing weight fast and didn't really know why and YAY it was cool, but wow, I never lose weight that easily? Yeah, well, it's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now (The pounds that is.)! Yesterday morning I woke up after working out for THREE hours in a row and thought to myself: Self, take control of your life, stop complaining, and get yourself where you want to be. You know everything you need to do, the things you shouldn't do and you freakin' LIKE to workout, you freak. SO, do it already, I'm sooo sick of hearing your self depreciating body thoughts!

So, I'm listening to myself and going to do something. I have this great idea... throw up after every meal!

I kid.

No, I'm totally OFF my baby kick (which may return after a particularly intense girly hormonal surge) and totally ON the get healthy kick, get a six pack kick, get my fat wavy thighs out of the house and onto the jogging paths kick.

Yes, my friends, Psycho is back.

Oh, I'm even back on my juicing kick. I think I practically bought all the carrots in entire Whole Foods last night.

I'm ready to be orange. Skinny and orange with good abs.

Who is with me?

Because really, I've got one week until I'm on a boat. One week until I'm in nothing but bathing suits. One week until I'm pouring Rum down my throat because, hell, I deserve it after all those carrots.



Peace, love and carrot juice,

Me.

Post-Baby Body Image

I have a lot to say about the topic of body image. So much that I'm not sure where to start or where this is going to go, I just know that I am currently filled with the need to discuss what is on my mind. Warning, this post will be ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Some of you that have kids might want to shoot me when reading this. Other might understand. I'm not sure I understand.

I went to the doctors yesterday and was blown away with what the scale said.

Lets rewind. When I found out I was pregnant, I was really excited, I wasn't sure what was in store for me at that moment, but read everything I possibly could regarding pregnancy and the baby that was developing inside of me. I could tell you what was suppose to happen in my next month, what and why things occurred recently. I could recite a hundred different birth stories complete with names. I was able to make a pretty good prediction for what was in store through many books and internet sites. Nothing could of told me what was going to happen after baby. Was I going to be able to breast feed? What type of temperament would my baby have? What is going to happen to my body after this? Will my body ever be the same?!?!

Let me start by saying I was never a small girl. Well, I was in Junior High and the beginning of high school, but after a woman's hormones kicks in, my body didn't stay boney. I was a workout-a-holic. Loved it, still do. Big quads (Thanks gymnastics.), curvy body (Thanks genes.), and a slow metabolism (Thanks but no thanks!). I ran marathons, taught aerobics, eat super healthy and could tell you what type of food elicits certain reactions in your body. I did everything right but was still never small. I wanted to be small. I wanted to feel small. My friends ate like crap, never exercised and were tiny. I lived in L.A. I wanted to be skinny too. I feel a switch has been flipped.

Two weeks after having Sawyer I went for daily walks. Stepped on the scale daily to see where I was and the number fueled my desire to get back on the exercise bandwagon. At five weeks I was back at running, at six weeks I was back to teaching aerobics and back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was content with that, but my body was different. My stomach was bigger, hips seemed wider. Clothes fit weird. I continued to exercise lightly but my new found cravings were likely to pile on the pounds. I used to hate red mean and now can't get enough hamburgers, I hated beer and can't get enough now, Potatoes? Pile them high please! Where was this coming from?!

Somehow, pounds were dropping. Two months post-pregnancy and I had to buy new jeans because ALL of my pre-pregnancy clothes were falling off. It's been six months. I eat a ton. I don't exercise like I used to. I'm too wimpy to run in this cold weather. Hand me some more french fries. Pounds continue to fall off.

I don't talk numbers usually. I'm not a fan of them. At 5'3 (and I think 3/4 even thought the doctor says 1/4 but whatever!) I weigh... oh this feels so weird... ummm... 115. That might not seem like a big deal to you. Maybe even big but I have not been that small since my freshman year of high school. I find this absolutely insane! They say if you breast feed you burn about 500 calories a day. I think this has helped but is not the main reason. I have always felt my metabolism was extra slow, even to the point of being hypothyroid. Pregnancy changes your body. I once watched some show on Discovery Health about a hypothyroid woman being rid of the disease while pregnant. I don't think that I am hypothyroid, but could pregnancy sped my metabolism? Did Sawyer flip some sort of switch in there? Thanks kid!



Though the clothes are falling off me, and the scale shows some of the lowest numbers I have seen in a long time, I don't see it. I don't feel small. I don't feel skinny. I feel like the biggest girl in the group. I feel super curvy. I feel like my butt looks big in these jeans. I always wondered how anorexics and bulimics could be sooo incredibly skinny and feel huge. I feel that connection. I know I am not fat but my body image is slightly skewed. I don't feel like that girl on the scale yesterday. Maybe being healthy is understanding the difference between my body image and my real body? I feel no matter what weight I am, I will always see myself as the slightly bigger girl with more muscle tone than most of her friends. The one that is NO WAY the size four she fits into, which proves that no matter what you look like, you look and feel best confident. It doesn't matter what I weigh. My brain thinks I am bigger than I am, but my confidence is what will really make me happy... not the number on the inside of my really cute new grey pants.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I have a few friends that want to get pregnant but are nervous. They know it changes lives. They know it brings new challenges but more than anything, they know that it changes a body like nothing else can. In the society we live it, it's sad the the biggest worry is not whether you can pay for your child's college education, but how big that kid in utero will make your butt get. I guess what I'm saying is, you never know. You will grow during pregnancy, no doubt. However, post pregnancy you may have a better figure than ever, but it won't matter. You will feel your body is the same, be too busy to notice and be FAR more worried about the consistency of your baby's poop than the circumference of your thighs.