Saturday, December 11, 2010

Size Matters




We just cut down our Christmas tree. Don't worry, I made sure our life insurance policy was still active before standing under it... or climbing it.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I'm better than any parenting book you've EVER read, EVER.

Before your children are born, you are sure they are going to be exceptional.

All physical attributes will be the best from both you and your love completely bypassing your ears those mean elementary kids made fun of because mother nature knows EVERYTHING. Your kids are going to be gorgeous-models even and every other parent will be jealous of your childrens' gorgeousness. You might even have made up those business cards already for the talent scouts in the mall.

Smart. Your kids will not only be smart but more of the freakish Dougie Howser kind of smart. Twelve year old doctors are totally legit especially when they are your children.

Nice. Only the spawns of the Devil hit, take toys away from others and are mean. Your children will be angel babies, case closed.

They will love their parents, be clean, not be picky eaters, be calm in their car seats, love their siblings.

YOU HAVE PERFECT CHILDREN in the future you created.


I used to teach preschool at a really strict school. My husband is a smarty pants. I am... well, I can read so what could go wrong? I had all these ideas of what my kids would be like and what I would do as a parent to ensure all of the ideas in my head were going to come true.

I thought I did everything right.

I was addicted to websites that explained my child's brain development in very scientific ways. Baby Center emails were sooo below me. I read the doctor websites, the teacher web sites, I read everything.

I didn't let him watch T.V. (Notice past tense?)

Breastfed him well over a year, it is the brain food.

No sugar, no preservatives, all home-made baby food, everything free range and organic.

He learned sign language starting at six months old and knows well over a hundred signs.

I subscribe to home schooling sites, we do learning activities, read a ton of books, joined a play group so he could be around other kids, took him to museums NEVER BABY TALKED to him, used full words all the time. I didn't do things by the book, I tried to go well beyond them. WELL BEYOND.

He is two and a half and let me tell you, one year olds can run talking circles around this kid.

Getting Sawyer to talk is like pulling teeth.

Kid can't even say "blanket".

He is JUST learning sentences: "Mama up please." "Dada go too."
Getting him to put together words took a lot of praise and even a few reward chocolate chips.

I just feel like all the hard work we put into this kid, all the things we did "right" didn't pan out as expected. He is his own.

Basically, it didn't matter WHAT THE HELL WE DID, he is where he is because that is WHO he is.

I feel like the bad parent. I feel like I have to explain myself: our parenting history. When Sawyer doesn't sing his ABC's like other kids his age, I quickly snap back a piece of history, all the hard hard we put into him as his parents, all the things we DID RIGHT.

But it doesn't matter.

Read all the books you want, read all the websites you want. I now know everything and have all your parenting questions answered:

Do whatever the hell you want, nothing matters.

Case in point?

I've been trying to get Charlotte to roll over for a few weeks now. The doctor is concerned because she is not as heavy as they want her to be (story of my life), and the doctor wants to be sure she is hitting all her milestones. She needs to be sitting up and rolling over by her next doctor's visit in two weeks.

I lay her down, sit just out of her reach, shake toys, make lots of noise, clap, sing songs. Does she roll over? No.

I set her down this morning on her back, and got on facebook to chat with a friend, completely ignoring my children.

I even sat on the high bar stool that Sawyer can not climb to ensure my children have no access to mommy (Can you say 180, I mean, no, can you say RESEARCH?). I was going to enjoy my coffee HOT and mindlessly chat with a friend.

I turn around and Charlotte rolled over.

By herself.

For the first time.

Without me TRYING to get her to roll.

Send back those books, enjoy your wine, let them watch T.V., the research is in: Ignore your children, it's for the better.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Christmas card pictures are going GREAT over here.








I swear to Madonna if these kids don't smile soon (Or stop picking their nose, crying, banging a little sister's head into the wall, etc.), Santa might get lost on the way to our house this year.

DON'T TEST SANTA!

Friday, December 3, 2010

My DIY Wreath




I told you guys I was excited for Christmas! I put together this wreath yesterday and I think it took like five minutes tops. Sooo easy. I had no idea what I was doing and just went with it; I think it turned out nicely!

Total cost of materials: $10 (with a few leftover bulbs).

Sooo much cheaper than buying one already made!

Happy Friday!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Nutcracker

Is there anything better than a nutcracker with a cupcake on his head that is ALSO an advent calendar?!




Didn't think so!

25 days until CHRISTMAS!

(Or is it 24 now?)