Don't forget your carry on... and your manners.

In honor of the holidays and the travel season, I thought I would post a little something I wrote a long time ago while I was working as a flight attendant. It's a little paper I think all travelers should read, date and sign before they enter two feet on any plane!

Consent Form to Fly


Its a plane not a spa so hold off on the toe nail clippings.

No, we are not looking at the size of your boyfriends penis buldge, we are checking to see if his seatbelt is fastened.

How do I know your bag wont fit? I pretty much live on these aircrafts, Im not saying it to get back at your mother, I'm telling you because your bag wont fit. Really.

Needing a bottle of water during take-off is not an emergency unless your shorts are on fire, so can you wait five minutes?!

Don't take the seatbelt sign serious and we will find the new knot on your head amusing.

Don't slam my bins! I don't go to your house and slam doors, or hide my gum under the arm rest of your chairs for that matter.

Masterbating in flight is not a compliment to anyone and a blanket does not make you invincible.


When my pilots step out of the flight deck to greet you or say goodbye, be respectfull, do the same. I'm super protective of my pilots, so when they stand next to me as you de-plane, look her or him in the eyes and say something, like nice flight perhaps. Its amazingly sad how little they recieve a compliment, a wave, recognition, or eye contact... Then tell me how pretty I am.


Wash your hands, don't want your germs.

No, your baby is not cute, when it is taking our snacks and smashing them into our floor, I don't care how blue their eyes are.

Most of your flight attendants have degrees, read more books in a month than the average American does in their life, and is in this job to travel, therefore well cultured. Don't treat us like idiots... Ask us a stupid question and we will reply with a stupid answer, just to see the look on your face.

When we warn you to watch your elbows and knees for the cart coming through the isle, don't complain when they get hit.

Will your bags make it? No! Always expect that and you will never be dissapointed.

Wheelchairs in Chicago OHare are like Leprachans and gold at the end of a rainbow...good luck!

I am not psychic. How am I suppose to know your entire gut can fold over the seatbelt? Lift it and show me the belt is worn "low and tight".

Your warm bag of barf left under your seat after a flight is not a welcoming suprise... Just let me know right away and I will properly disspose it, no surprises.

Oh yeah, I willed that thunderstorm in Chicago, fog in San Francisco, and snow in New York so they cancel your flight... Do you really think I control the weather? I want to get there just as bad as you, trust me, it's probably my one flight from home.


Sign here if you understand and comprehend all information and will not commit something as stupid or heinous as above.


X_________________________ Date:_____________ You are now welcome to board!