Like Seriously?!

Todays 'Like Seriously' is my own flesh and blood.

I walked into his room not even a MINUTE after I heard him waking from a nap.

Did I tell you guys how much he enjoys taking off his own diaper?

And now he can take off his pants to get to his diaper to get to his...






I called Geoff in who asked what was wrong. Ummm, EVERYTHING!

He ran in and it took a minute to register before he started passing me the wipes. I held Sawyer's hands still wiping off his face and after about 3 wipes Geoff left to grab the camera because he knows what is really important.

Two pictures later, I wiped around his eyes and mouth a little more, got him naked and we jumped in the shower.

It was a long shower.

Geoff was busy loading the pics onto his computer when I got out to an almost flooded bathroom. Turns out I sprayed one of the shower nozzles out of the shower while we were using the opposite nozzle. I stepped out to a slippery floor, no towel for myself and set Sawyer naked on our bed while I found a towel and dried off as fast as I could. I turned around to see him peeing on our bed.

Poop in his, pee in ours.

Many paper towels, disinfectant and 4 loads of laundry later I sit here and type two words,

Like seriously?!?!

Teaching this OLD dog new tricks. Thanks kid!

Hi everyone!!!

Sorry I have been so busy lately but it doesn't help that GEOFF BOUGHT A PACK OF GUM.

Yeah.

So, if you just joined me, THIS is what happens when Geoff chews gum.

Yesterday:

Me- "Babe, WHAT is in your mouth?!"

Him- "Ummmm..."

Me- "Just WHERE did you get that from? Who gave it to you?!"

Him- "I bought it myself."

Me with hand cupped under his chin. "Okay, now spit it out."

Him after spitting gum into my hand- "You win."


As you can see things just keep getting busier around here but, but, BUT-

I wanted to tell you guys about Sawyer's new trick. Ready? You are going to get a kick out of it, love it, really, you will.

Sigh.

Sawyer knows what he wants, can communicate pretty decently what he does and does not want. When he does not get what he wants, he is not a happy boy. So, the other day I was shaving my legs because I hear three inch long leg hair is not in style right now (Weird, right?) and I hear Goeff yelling for me to 'COME HERE!!!'. Didn't he know that I just lathered and was ready to swipe? I asked him to hold on and he was like, "No, RIGHT NOW!" Rude, no?

"Babe, one sec!"

"It's an emergency, RIGHT NOW!"

Since I have been with Geoff, I have never heard the 'E' word. I ran out and found a limp and blue one year old in Geoff's arms. I knew instantly what happened and yelled Sawyer's name sharply while running over to him as Geoff was shaking his arm and telling him to wake up.

Right as I got there he opened his eyes and started breathing. Color came back to his face, his lips and he looked scared out of his mind. I held him, kissed him, was sooo happy that my boy was breathing. He breaths, yes, BREATH, glorious breath. Sawyer was exhausted in my arms, and Geoff told me what happened.

Yes folks, meet my son Sawyer who knows how to throw an excellent tantrum. Turns out Geoff wouldn't let Sawyer pound on the keyboard, Sawyer got upset, cried and held his breath until he passed out The annoying part is, it works. He becomes upset, tries to kill himself and we all give him love afterword. He isn't even TWO yet and he's got manipulation down. Awesome. I predict our life ahead as just, uhhh, awesome. (P.S. This breath holding thing is not uncommon, just be warned.)

Still no diaper bag and in my last post I mentioned throwing a tantrum just to get one before November... any idea what I have in mind???


Love you all!

Peace, love and lungs full of oxygen,

me.

So Hard to say 'Au Revoir'

My husband said I could do it, I could buy one. My heart started racing. It's not like I need his permission all the time or anything but I like being on the same page AND since only one of us has a job and that person being me and by 'me' I mean, I don't make as much money as he does SO we are only buying what we need like groceries. BORING.

But remember I NEEDED a new diaper bag?!?!

I finally convinced him, HE SAID YES! O. M. G! HE. SAID YES!

SO, there I am, all nervous and shaky and I feel like I am making one of the biggest decisions of my life. I mean, get married, check. Have baby, check. Convince husband that I NEED a new diaper bag and then ACTUALLY make a decision, because, lets face it, there are so many to choose from, not such an easy CHECK! Right? RIGHT?!?!

Google: Nest diaper bag reviews.
Google: Timi and Leslie diaper bag reviews.
Google: Best diaper bag reviews that are not ugly.
Google: Not ugly diaper bags, poor reviews.
Google: Cute diaper bag on sale, screw the reviews.

Email all friends pictures of diaper bag and get second opinions.
Ignore second opinions because one bag, THE ONE is calling my name, chanting and singing my name.

Then I got cold feet, closed the computer and walked away without ordering the singing, chanting diaper bag.

Totally walked away.

Geoff looked at me and was all, 'Soooo?' And I was all, 'Nooooo.' And he was all, 'Huhhhh?'

Really.

Then he told me to just buy the freakin' thing and I did. I did it. I walked right over to the computer and I gave myself a pep talk and totally ordered a diaper bag.

I ordered this one...



The fancy one. I know some of you may not like it, maybe it's a little too bling, and I thought I live in Colorado, is this too bling?! Then I thought about all the outfits this would look good with, of course, I have none of them and would have to go buy outfits to match my diaper bag and then I thought, WHAT IF I HATE THIS DIAPER BAG?!?!

I got nervous again.

Oh man, but this was it, I bought it and I'm going to love it and support it and defend it against all haters. It was me and diaper bag for LIFE.

I fell asleep Friday night wondering what kind of friendship bracelet I should knit for my new besty.

Saturday I wondered when my diaper bag would greet me in the mail. Would she come wrapped up in pretty paper? Is she a hugger or more of a hand shake gal? Perhaps a kiss on the cheek? I could sure use some Euro up in here, we would say things like 'bonjour' and 'mon ami', and kiss people on the cheek as we greeted them. Oh man, life was good.

Sunday I opened up an email giving me an update on my order. Yesssss! I love updates!

Then, noooooo!

"Order canceled."

After a few emails, I found out the Timi and Leslie diaper bags got recalled due to some stitching something or rather and I might have to wait until NOVEMBER!

Yeah, that is exactly what I wrote, NOVEMBER!

Do they know the activities I have planned until then?! Do they know my birthday is in October AND I have a great party in the planning stages for mid October and they want me to wait until NOVEMBER?!

Now that I can't have the bag, it's all I want. Dear Timi and Leslie, can you please send me your fancy shmancy silver bag before I melt into a pile of toddler tantrum. Sawyer does not need to be influenced by my ways, and you don't want to see me plan outfit around my OLD bag do you?!?! It's sooo not bling.

What do you guys think? Wait it out or search for a new one?!?!

Yes, this really was my weekend.

AND, I have a friendship bracelet in the works and no one to wear it.

And no one to kiss on the cheek.

What to do, what to do...

Like Seriously?!

Well, I guess you can stick those squishy pads on every sharp corner, or purchase the THUD GUARD, a helmet for early walkers.


Some people aren't going to agree with me but LIKE SERIOUSLY?!?!

Timi and Leslie, you are ruining my life.

When I become obsessed, I don't mess around! Remember the unhealthy love I had for that tank top that didn't even look good on me?!?!


Continuing my diaper bag obsession, I've discovered Timi and Leslie.


This one would look mighty fine adoring my shoulder:




Of course you need the bag for dressy occasions:


For more Timi and Leslie, check out their site AND, no, I'm not getting paid, I'm just pathetic, BUT if anyone DOES want to send me fabulous diaper bags for free to write fun stuff, I would happily accept. (NEST and NOT RATIONAL and TIMI AND LESLIE, I'm talking to YOU because sometimes Hollywood stars are OVERRATED!)



Somebody stop me before it's too late and I abandon everything to feed my addiction and end up on some show, starved, friendless, and shaking in the corner clutching on to the latest sack that is essentially created to hold things that people poop in.

Gawd, I'm so over myself.

Sugar and Spice, but not really that Nice

The server walked up to the three of us, reached one of the drinks over to me and said, "Let me take a WILD guess, the pomegranate martini is yours?"

Me- "Nope"

Geoff raises his hand the the server rotated his arm and placed the martini in front of my husband.

Server- "Okay, then THIS one is yours."

I turned it down before he set the dirty martini in front of me, Geoff's friend nods his head, claiming the drink as his.

Server- "Okay, so the beer is, uhhh, wow. Here you go."

Me- "Yup, it's just us BOYS hanging out!"

Cheers.

He laughed and said just when you can predict a drink order, you get it all wrong. Told a story about a prissy girl who ordered a Bud Light while the three guys she was with ordered girly drinks.

I said I would never do Bud Light while sipping my cold Shilling.

He laughed. I'm sure he considered me prissy, he looked a little shocked but the truth is, I'm way more boyish than people expect, and sometimes it's not so funny.

I've mentioned it before, but I have a VERY masculine form of communication. I do and yes, there are different styles and yes, there are even long tests you can take to see which side you tend to lean into (or stumble and fall in my case). Most likely you don't need a test. I'm not very sensitive, I say exactly how I feel and many times a little too harshly. I'm a fixer. I don't listen, I am thinking of ways to FIX your problem. I've realized there are very few times I listen, and those times usually circle around a tragic loss, something you had no control over or if you are giving me directions. Outside of tragedy and directions, I'm a fixer, and truth teller and people are not the biggest fans of those kind of people, nope, not at all.

My friend said it's hard to have a blog and not write about the latest fight her and her husband got into, or how pissed off she is at her neighbor, knowing her neighbor might read and said post might create a rift that can't be brought together again. Sometimes your emotions are a lot stronger and words a lot more hurtful than they should be for such events. Yes, it's hard to not get on here and complain about how pissed I am at someone or something, but the truth is, if my husband had a blog and he wrote how often I annoyed him, I'm sure his blog would be full of colorful post that hurt me badly. Sometimes I'm not a cup of tea.

For instance, my husband just wanted to vent, get a little support, get some loving words from his kind and thoughtful wife.

My response to his venting? "Work harder. It's not going to happen as you sit here complaining to me. Obviously you aren't doing enough to make it happen."

Ouch.

Ummm, yeah. That is really what I said. He walked out of the room and didn't talk to me for hours. I wasn't upset, sad, bummed, hurt, nothing. I went on like normal and as I thought about it, just hoped maybe my words made him upset enough to trigger an action button.

He didn't need a trigger, he needed someone to listen, to understand, to be a sounding board and found the wrong person.

I never said sorry but he did. How awesome is my husband?! How sucky is his wife?

My friend called me yesterday. Talked about why she is upset with her 'boyfriend'. Umm, this guys is NOT her boyfriend. Just about every time she asked me a question regarding his actions I said, "Well, it's because he doesn't care about you, AT ALL. Zero."

She was silent and I continued, "When was the last time he called you just to say hi or ask how you are doing?"

Silence.

"It's because he doesn't love you. He doesn't like you. He doesn't care for you, so just stop it already. It's ridiculous".

Silence.

See how good I am at this?! I realized at that point I needed to stop. "Okay, sorry, I know you don't like to talk about this with ME, I'm the WORST person to talk to. "

Sometimes common sense will hit me before my friend will but it's not often.

Last night, my manhood was okay, I sipped a beer, but only to not feel the pain of being a female (Hello, cramps?!?!) and realized how lucky I am to have friends and family that love me and deal with me, harsh or not, prissy or boyish and promised to never change, and if I do change, change just enough to be manageable, maybe a better listener, but for sure not enough to drink Bud Light.

Little bit of a letter, little bit of an update, lot a bit of random.

You know the guy at Disneyland with a harmonica in his mouth, a drum hanging off his back, guitar in hands? I'm that guy and sometimes I'll stop to eat. I'm not complaining, no, I actually like it. I'm just a little hungry and longing for a free day. Things are only going to get busier and I think I'm okay with that. It just means other things don't get done as well, like spending all my time looking for a diaper bag to lust for each day. (Today I'm all about the Not Rational bags in case you were wondering. I want to buy several and hold their hand, and cuddle with them, Not Rational bags and Holly for LIFE, heart, heart.) I've started training people at the gym I teach at, getting clients in the summer in Denver is not the most easy thing. Denver is a fit city and in the summer, people are out, hiking, running, biking. Now, I want them to be in, with me, training, inside. Anyone want to come inside?

Just a few days ago I found out a girl that belonged to a website I was addicted to throughout my pregnancy experienced something I could not even wrap my head around. She dropped her son off at his grandparents house (on the dad's side, not the moms) to have a weekend without her little boy. She received a call later that weekend, her son jumped into the pool and drowned. No one was watching him and he didn't make it.

Pause.

This disturbs me beyond words. I'm am deeply saddened for this family. I don't know if or how any forgiveness will take place on every end. I don't know if I could forgive someone who was suppose to be watching one of the most prized people in my life, and if I was the responsible party, I would never, ever forgive myself. Needless to say, I cried. I cried because this happens everyday and it happened to someone I have a small connection to. I cried because it seemed more real. I cried because Sawyer is not invincible to the world, and if anything happened to him, I wouldn't be able to function, maybe be able to EVER function normal again.

Since then, I've upped the kisses Sawyer receives each day. I'm sure he is sooo over my hugs and dorky mom kisses, but I'm incredibly lucky to have such an amazing family and feel even more lucky that they are safe, healthy, happy. I look at them and feel spoiled, Veruca from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kind of spoiled and I'm now more fully and happily aware of this fact. I love my boys, my golden tickets!

Okay, back to the one man band. I'm jumping back into the travel agent stuff again. I don't know why I took a mini vacay from it, I think it was our own vacation, Sawyer's birthday, teaching WAY more fitness classes and sometimes having up to four showings a day on our place but I'm back in the game and booking trips! The more activities I schedule for myself, the more efficiently I run. I don't know what is going on each day unless I look at my planner. It's bad.

All of that means I sleep well at night, really well, am up early and gone all day. I feel behind on your blogs and miss you, I'm behind on mine a bit a apologize but you can be sure, I'm not behind on the newest diaper bag releases, thanks to the iphone's great internet connection...


Love you all, hug your children, fence in your pools and always eat your vegetables.


Me

His Baby (No, the OTHER one.)

He called it, "Driving Recklessly" and WAS NOT happy.


Okay mister glass is ALL THE WAY EMPTY!





I called it, "Creative Art" and blamed it on a blind spot.

Oops.

Like Seriously?!

Looking for cool boys bedding for Sawyer's future big boy bed.

Came across this bedding set, for KIDS, a KIDS BEDDING SET. Let me repeat, this is for KIDS who pee their pants at night!!!



Measly price of $2,510.00. Can be purchased here.

Because, like seriously, it's not even cute!!!

The old one is just shabby.

I can't event think straight and am even annoying the Hell out of myself.

I'm OBSESSING over diaper bags.

It's bad. Do I really need another one? (Answer is YES.)

Seriously, will I even be USING a diaper bag much longer?! (Answer is YES, only if it's cute and one of the bags pictured below, because, damn, its so pretty, I will use it as a purse and best friend.)




Okay friends, meet Khaki and Black Canvas Tote by Nest.



OMG, and I JUST found it on sale here!!!



Or, or, OR, meet Petunia Pickle Bottom Cake Society? Really, who doesn't love cake?!?!



Can be purchased here.


If you need the clutch version of a diaper bag, meet Corsican Blue Cross Town Clutch.



Can be purchased here.



P.S. My birthday is October 18th. No, I'm not telling you that for any reason at all, none really, I promise...

This is what happens when people ask me questions.

I'm just going to say it.

Sperm.

I don't know why my blog has been so private part and hormonal ridden. It just has.

I wasn't going to explain myself, however, I can't help but to do so. Friends are getting pregnant, a lot of them, or trying to get pregnant and they all ask me questions. I can answer a lot but when it comes to your boy's boys. I'm at a loss.

I thought I would research a bit and just put it out there for you.

How long do they live, when should we try, I mean, what REALLY happens?!?!

Ummm.

Everything I've read about the life span says from not very long (outside of the body) to a little bit longer to a lot bit longer averaging 24-48 hours but can live up to 6 days. Basically, I don't know but it did make me wonder...

I don't like reading about things dying. I imagined these cute baby swimming things swimming around happily and then just dropping dead. Did they swim too soon after eating? Cramps will get ya every time! Then I pictured them outside of the body doing everything they could to survive. A lost man in Death Valley dragging his feet, in search of water. Are the sperm thirsty? Are they slowly moving along like that lost man, dragging their tail, passing other dehydrated guys, asking and begging with a throaty, scratchy voice, "Water, wahhhhhh-terrrrrr." I felt bad for these sperm, they need water. And if they die so quickly outside of a good human swimming pool, how many sperm pass up the dead sperm looking for water? Do they care? Do they have a moment of silence or just pass right by their dead teammates looking out for number one?

I couldn't find the answers.

Then I was reading that IF they get into the body, some are like Olympic Swimmers, but others just get lost and go in the wrong direction. What is wrong with these things? I mean, didn't they get a pretty good shove in the right direction? I think if there are soooo many swimmers in one, uhhh, team then there has to be a few colorful personalities in the bunch.

Of course you'll get your jocks, the stoners, the band geeks, the class clown, the couple that so cute, it makes you want to vomit all swimming along on their merry little way. I don't think anyone swims in the wrong direction just to swim. I'm pretty sure the class clown of the bunch gets into a new environment, looks around and CAN NOT stop himself (You know you know this person!) from yelling, "SHARK!!!!! Dude, everyone, swim fast, SHARK!!!!!"

I mean, THAT might make them turn and run, or I mean swim, right? LIKE swim FAST and in any direction they can possibly go so they aren't eaten up by the Cervix Shark.

What about the guys that keep bumping into things. I mean, if they were born swimming and most likely die (Moment of silence please.) swimming, then they have GOT to be GREAT swimmers. A ton of Michael Phelps. So, their tail wags up and down, side to side, whatever to get them places or to the Motherland, but do they also use it to push off of walls? I just can't see them NOT bumping into things and completing the perfect flip turn and pushing off with their tail. That would be the thing that makes the most sense, right? Do they perform flip turns?!?!

Also, what do they do while hanging around waiting for the one true love egg? Do they play flippy cup? Truth or Dare? Mouse Trap? I can't just see them treading water for days, what a bore.

In a quest to answer you questions, I just created more and Mayo Clinic has no answers for me.

So, to all you inquiring minds, all I can say it, just hope no one in there yells 'Shark', other than that, I hope they brought enough games to make the water treading a little more entertaining. I don't know anyone that doesn't enjoy a good game of flippy cup.

Yeah, I saw you lookin' at her!

I'm not a jealous person. Really, I'm not.

He just loves to hang out with her.

I think I'm going to form some sort of Yahoo group. Wives and girlfriends dealing with this same issue.

Yesterday he hung out with her for hours. HOURS! Talking online, playing, hanging.

I am NOT making this up.

She is going down, I'll be sure of it.

She is sooo flat chested, boxish really. I'm not jealous, I'm not, but I hate her and I think I'm WAY hotter.

Maybe all of the girls on this Yahoo group can get together, form a bond, trick the 'other girl' into meeting us somewhere or a "chat" or "coffee".

That's when it will happen.

We'll get our revenge.

We'll set them on FIRE!

Yeah, but man would they smell burning up, them and all their PLASTIC!

So boring, no personality. NO one will miss them. NO ONE.

And the rest of us will be happy in a world without plastic, no good, flat chested of a girlfriend X Box.

But if he touches my Wii, there is going to be war!

Why don't you just cry like a little baby???

I was reading in some (stupid) magazine regarding (stupid) manners. Really, who needs them?

Some (wimpy) chick was whining about all of her friends with kids telling her (true) horror birth stories.

She (wimp girl) was upset at the fact that she was already nervous for the upcoming birth of her child and didn't need her (honest) friends telling her the horrors of birth.

The 'Manners Guru' sided with the Mother-To-Be stating that her friends should keep their stories to themselves.

Immediately I thought, 'girl, let me tell you a little story'.

REALLY, you are about to give birth out your vagina and you don't want any warning??? Any tips?? ANY ADVICE???

Yes, it's going to be roses and candlelight; dark chocolate and ball gowns; champagne fountains and red carpet.

Okay, well, there might actually be red carpet, but the carpet didn't start out that way.

Birth is NOT pretty. A lot of crap comes out of your orifices including ACTUAL CRAP, not even hypothetical crap, real actual brown smelly crap.

Let me repeat, AND YOU DON'T WANT WARNING?!?!

I realized this, I love to scare people. I love to scare the crap out of people. I mean, I try to be a little funny about it, but I thoroughly enjoy telling people horror stories and 'Manners Guru' was getting in my way. We were not friends.

Birth is awesome, birth is miraculous, birth is absolutely disgusting and some not so pretty things happen.

I tell people about those things, happily.

Before I had Sawyer, I remember writing to people that had a child and asking for any advice, anything I would need at home. How they knew when to go into the hospital, what their contractions felt like, how bad their vagina tore, how bad it hurt to push out a poop with a torn up vagina and newborn sucking the perky life out of your boobies.

I asked it all. I wanted to know. I wanted to prepare myself, get things from the grocery story, prepare my husband.

After all that preparing, all the poop talk, all the vagina talk, I was still ill prepared. I tore in a way I didn't know you could and turns out was actually pretty uncommon. I couldn't sit normal for six weeks, I didn't know that the pangs of healing your private parts were exactly that, PANGS of healing and lighting, owwww it hurts, but it's healing. Birth was amazing, it was, but it wasn't roses and lollipops and I think being ill prepared is the worst thing you could do.

Did you know there is spray, and pads, and witch hazel and spray bottles, all for you to go pee, and if you don't have that at home, life is going to suck?! Don't you want to know that?!?!

I tell people. I do. I don't hold back. I talk about my parts, about his entrance about my healing because this stuff happens people and it can happen to you but you don't want to know?!?!

Then I remembered my childhood.

Maybe I'm not normal, maybe my desire to inform others of the unhappy side is not a common thing for the average human.

See, my brother and I had this ongoing competition. It was just a teensy, tiny little competition. You see and it involved the other person's friend and sleep overs and crying.

Background: My favorite movie when I was little was 'Poltergeist'. I loved scary things, I love to be scared and I love to scare the crap out of others.

So, one of us would invite a friend over and the timer would start. If I invited one of my friends over, my brother would do anything and everything he could to make my friend so scared, she would call her mom and ask her mom to pick her up and vice versa.

But I always won.

I was so damn good at making my brother's freind's cry from fear and call their mom shaking.

I really thought it was funny if they called home at a bad time, like midnight.

Oh, the joy we got out of that game and I was the champion.

I'm guessing this isn't normal. I'm guessing that most of YOU did NOT play this game.

I'm guessing that 'Manner Guru' is right and I shouldn't scare the crap out of people.

So, I'm writing in to the magazine and inviting that Mom to a sleepover, you start the timer...

Like Seriously?!

Today's 'Like Seriously' I actually kinda stole from VH1. It just was too great.

Everyone, feast your eyes on this guy's 'Wunder Boner'!




Because, like seriously???