Husband Proofing

Last night I snuggled up in bed, exhausted from a super fun weekend, ready for some down time and shut eye. I leaned over to Geoffs night stand, grabbed the remote and shot out of bed.

Two weeks prior: I'm in line at the grocery store. The weather is warming up and I'm excited for my runs to shift from indoors to outdoors, from three miles to ten plus. For me, gum is a running necessity. I went back and forth on whether I should buy said gum and where I would hide it so my husband can't find the purchase. He is not big enough for gum. I decide to purchase the gum anyway and continue with check out.

Sometime over the course of two weeks, the gum got out of hiding and though I've only had two pieces, half the pack is gone. He found it.

Back to last night: I shot out of bed, walked the remote over to my husband who worked on peeling chewed gum off the back of the remote.

He is not big enough for gum.

This made me think of baby proofing.

When fingers start exploring the outlets and everything that can be picked up goes straight for the mouth, and a once little lazy thing can scoot about everywhere, I figured it was time to baby proof.

There are a lot of things to think about when baby proofing. " THINK LIKE A BABY" they tell you. Really, because I don't think they think all that much.

There are hundreds of websites, so many help articles, lists of what to buy with everyones countering advice.

MUST BUY OULET COVERS.

DO NOT BUY OUTLET COVERS, babies can pull them out and then they becoming a choking hazard. Your baby will die from you trying to child proof. Outlet covers are the devil, you must buy a safety cover plate instead.

Huh?

Put a gate at the top of your stairs but make sure it's not a pressure mounting gate because you child an push it out and tumble down the stairs and die. Ahhhhh!

Toilet locks are a must, if you don't have them, you child can drown and die.

Must have a stove guard.

Stove guard is NOT enough, stove must be locked in so toddler can not pull it down and die.

What kind of Hulk toddler can pull a stove on top of themselves???

Obviously there is no shortage of information and one can decide the level of paranoid they are at and just how in depth they choose to child proof.

With all this child proofing junk, my question is, where are the husband proofing products?

There seems to be a fix for all things baby but nothing for husbands.

I'm at a loss on how to house proof a husband.

I've said it a thousand times before, GUM GOES IN THE TRASH. Gum does not go in your mouth then onto the side table when you are finished. It doesn't go on the back of the remote. I doesn't go on the top of a candle in the living room. If you can't discard gum like a big boy, you can't chew gum like a big boy.

Shoes do not go onto the white duvet cover after tromping around outside in the rain. Yes, there is a purpose to the duvet cover, to cover the comforter, but that does not mean we treat it like a tarp. Shoes come off before we get in bed.

Speaking of bed, sometimes pillows are decorative accessories. Yes, I know there are more than two pillows on the bed and you don't understand why we take them off the bed before we go to sleep, but that doesn't mean we should sell them on craigslist. I know I say, what we don't use, we get rid of but we use them to please the eye, kind of like lingerie. Get it now?

Not everything goes into the dishwasher. Yes, I love that you 'cleaned up'. Very nice. We hand wash our pots and pans, steak knives, anything of Sawyers and a few other things. After you clean, I THEN pull these things OUT of the dishwasher and hand wash them. I appreciate the gesture though.

Sawyer is easy. You read a few websites, you decide how freaked out you want to be and follow the advice.

Husbands are much more difficult. He can get into the hidden gum, he can go outside by himself then run inside and jump onto the bed without 'mommy' taking off his shoes. He can use the decorative pillows as his personal in bed food tray and smash his gum onto the back of the remote because, duh, comfort first.

Sigh.

Where is all the house proofing husband advice? Gum guard? Covers for the duvet cover? WHERE ARE ALL THE FREAKED OUT WIVES? I'm thinking all the baby proofing advice in the world won't keep my husband from wadding his gum on the back of the remote then half an hour later, Sawyer cruises by, picking up the remote (one of his favorite toys), putting the old gum into his mouth, then choking. Ever thought of that CRAZY WEBSITES??? EVER THOUGHT OF THAT?!?!

Because, "If you aren't big enough to discard it, you aren't big enough to chew it!" doesn't seem to work in my house.

Help.