Worst Passenger Ever

I promised you guys this story.  I hope I can tell it as well in writing as I can in person.  In writing,  you don't get the sound effects.  If you are going to see me sometime soon, perhaps divert your eyes and wait for the in person version!

On a gloomy day in April...  (It might not be April but what a great way to start the story, right?!)

I was a flight attendant on the prop planes, you know, those really tiny planes that fly the short flights, hardly seat any people and vibrate you to sleep?  Yeah, those. Well, it was our last flight of the day, I was super tired and excited to be done.  Everyone is boarding the plane and I greet each passenger with my little wave.  "Welcome aboard."  Everyone was boarded except one passenger.  So, we wait.  Late passengers really annoy me, I think that when you are flying commercial, you need to be prompt, be aware of delays and be understanding the the flight can leave early as well.  Yes, early.  If you aren't there, they have the right to close the door WITHOUT YOU!  Be on time.  I look out the door to see a man hobbling toward the plane.  This is no small person, this is a very large, plump, oversize, no HUGE man coming my way.  This plane is small.  This man is big.  He makes his way up the stairs, barely, shows me his ticket, row one, and takes a seat.  Mind you, I had to move into the isle for this guy to get into row one because he was so large.  

We close the door and are on our way.  I'm low on energy and patience, I don't have it in me to talk much more and am slightly annoyed that this last passenger made us late.  We closed the door a few minutes behind which classifies our flight as delayed.  I don't like my flights delayed. Sitting in the jump seat next to the first row, this large man who made us late strikes up a conversation with me.  I talk back.  His questions are lame and I do my best to answer politely but truth is, I'm over him and I'm over this flight.

This flight is about 30 minutes from wheels up to wheels down.  No service flight.  The chime goes off to let me know that it is safe to get up.  I walk to the back of the plane to get some paperwork done but more so to be out of talking distance of this guy.  In the back of the plane, I finish my paperwork and a cute, older lady sitting in the last seat, directly across from the lavatory, says hello.  This lady is soo cute, I want to put her in my pocket and take her home with me.  I want to introduce her to my grandma so they can have tea parties together.  She asks where I'm from, how I like flying and other common questions and I adore her.  Fifteen minutes pass as I have a lovely conversation with this woman.  When you have been a flight attendant for so long, you know about how much longer you have before you will need to give your descent announcement, when to clean, etc.  We are over half way there.  

I see something out of the corner of my eye and look to the front of the plane.  Big man is up and headed my way.  This is a full flight and I've said it before, this man is BIG.  If he is up to use the lav, that means in order to pass me, we have to pass in the isle.  There is NO way we can pass without touching.  He's huge.

I meet him half way down the isle, inform him that the plane will be descending soon and ask if he needed to use the lavatory.  He insist that he MUST use it.  He is passing me in the isle.  I'm holding my breath, I'm squeezing myself up against one of the isle seats as hard as I can, so we don't have to touch as much.  It's a tight squeeze, I can smell his body odor and am holding back from gagging.  As he opens the door to the lav, I wonder how he will fit and close the door.  This guy could possibly be as wide, if not wider, than this little place we call the bathroom.  He gets in and fumbles for a bit to get the door closed and locked.  You can tell the process was not easy.  It's  a sliding door that folds in half when open, and flat when closed.  To get the door completely closed, you can see the door pop out several times before this guy is in there and the door is locked. I chuckle and head to the back again to finish my conversation with the cute, older lady.  At least eight minutes go by and this guy is still in the bathroom.  The descent chime will go off soon and I know this guy will need to be out and sitting down with his seatbelt tightly fastened.  

I hear some thumps from the bathroom, remember how big this guy is and realize that this noise is probably pretty normal for a man his size in a place so small.  I continue my conversation with the lady. More thumps.  She looks at me and I shrug.  The descent chime goes off and I wait a minute for this guy to get out.  Just thumps.  

"I think he is stuck!" She says to me alarmed.

"I'll give him another minute."

More thumps.  A few more minutes go by.

"Sir, you NEED to get out, we are landing!" I yell to him.

Descent Chimes.

 Thumps.

"You need to help him!" She yells

Thumps. 

 I see the ground getting closer.

  Thumps.

"He's stuck!"  She says to me.

Thumps.  

If he doesn't get out soon, I'll have to call the captain and inform him of the situation.  We can't land if everyone is not in their seat.  Losing our spot at the airport means we circle around until that Air Traffic Control can find another spot for us.  I want to be on the ground now.  Not landing means another twenty minutes or MORE in the air.

Thumping. 

"Sir, we are going to land soon."

Thumping.

"Sir, you NEED to get out!"  I yell.  I'm not sure what to do, I know I have about a two minute window before I need to call the flight deck.

"Help him!" She yells.

"SIR?" I yell.  

More thumping, he has got to be stuck in there.  Why did he insist on using the restroom now?  We would of been on the ground fifteen minutes later.  He couldn't wait fifteen minutes?!?! Why couldn't he wait FIFTEEN dang minutes?!   I'm getting really upset.  

More thumping.

"Sir, do you need my help?"

Rhythmic Thumping.  The ground is getting closer.  He MUST need my help, I mean, this guy is HUGE, he can't turn around and open the door for himself.

I flip up a latch and unlock the door from the outside.  I open the door. 

 He is panting, sweating, holding onto his 'man part', looks at me and says breathlessly, "I'm not done!"

The older woman screams.

I let the door slam and jump back.

O! M! G!

Did I just see that?! Did I just experience that?  Did I REALLY just ask if he needed my help in the middle of his play time?!

The funniest part of this story was telling my captain on the ride home.  He didn't get it.  "He was still peeing?!" He asked confused.  "No, what do you think he was doing? THUMP-THUMP-THUMP!"

Finally, the first officer blurt it out and yelled, "Sometimes you've got to have a release!"

Really GUYS, really?  You can't wait thirty minutes?  I'm still traumatized.