You Don't Want to be my Ex

I always said when we move out of our place downtown I would cry. I love it here. I love how close we are to everything, you can walk to any sporting event, the cute boutique shops, some of the best restaurants, parks, and so much more. This is the place I saw my husband for the first time, the place he asked me to be his girlfriend, the place we first whispered to each other 'I love you'. This is the living room we sat in while telling our families we were expecting, the kitchen I smoked out trying to impress this man with my cooking, the couch Sawyer was on when he first smiled. This is the floor he first rolled over from back to stomach on and the floor he hit when he first rolled off the couch when BAD mommy went to grab something off the table This is the place we invited our friends over to play Rock Band and Wii Fit, the is the bathroom I hung out in all night with my first case of food poisoning. This is the place we cuddled for the first time together and the place we cried at for the first time together. This is OUR place and the truth is I am excited to sell it.

HUH?

I never thought I would utter those words. We want to sell it and sell it fast. We are ready for more, we are ready for a house, we are ready for more room, we are ready to leave the place we have considered home.

Remember that courage we needed? Thanks to you guys, we are jumping in. We are doing everything we can to make this work, though we are not so sure it will. We are doing everything we can but sometimes you need some extra help, like miracles. We have to sell our place super fast and find Geoff a job in record time. We don't want to make a dumb decision but we don't want to leave this opportunity without sprinting as hard and as long as we can towards it. There are a few days we ran out of breath. My legs are getting a little bit tired, but we are sprinting towards this house. If we don't make it to the finish line on time, at least we know we tried At least we know we worked as hard as we could, as fast as we could, and if someone grabs that house before us, so be it.

I don't want someone to be in that house though. That is our house. We found the house we were meant to live in. That is OUR backyard. That is OUR kitchen. I feel like if someone else purchases that house besides us, I'll always think about it. The one that got away. I might daydream every so often about the times we could of had together. I might drive by it once and see the new happy couple: family and house. We had our eyes on it first. We had future plans together. Don't swoop in on us, we are trying as hard as we can.

Monday we met with our realitor regarding selling our place and trying to get into that house. She said the worst thing to do is to mentally move out of your current house. "Be content where you are and when the time is exactly right, all will fall into place." Did I mentally move out? Did I mentally move into the other? Hell, I've been a frequent visitor to all the remodeling websites picking out our new backsplash. Granite colors? Check. Bathroom vanity picked out? Check. Furniture placement? Check. House warming party planned? Check. I didn't mentally move out. No, I did more, I mentally moved out, moved into a house we don't have, mentally decorated it, mentally invited my friends over. I'm mental.

My head is wrapped around this house and I can't pull it free. I don't want to pull it free.

Geoff and I decided that we need to think about NOT purchasing this house. Sometimes timing doesn't work out. I realized this is why I've been in the dumps. This is why for the last two days, little things bother me like never before. I feel like we are sprinting knowing that we won't get to the finish line first and it's all I can think about. I obsess over it. Sometimes I work best with opposition and that is what I need to do here, because if we don't get this house, I might be that crazy, psycho, stalker ex that people whisper about but never confront.

And you don't want to see me crazy, do you?