The Chase

*Wrote this while I was bored on a plane a while back and am dedicating it to the Vagina Man (Was it a he or a SHE?!) running from the cops in California this morning. I love California and I LOVE a good car chase!*


There is something missing in my life. There is a dark hole of nothingness that is bothersome. It's this absence of 'something' that is absolutely qualifying me as incomplete. This is annoying. Anyone missing something is usually annoyed. I know. I am good at this. Some would say I am a professional, but as I look around I see I have my cell phone (which is shocking really), ipod, credit card, manual, all the things I am missing on a normal day. It is 9:23am and I realize what it is, what I am missing a good car chase. At 9:24am, I know (and I say KNOW) it is not just me, but the world. The world is missing a good car chase!

You know what I'm talking about too, not one of those you see on the freeway where the driver is just waiting for a good opportunity to pull over, no, I'm talking OJ Simpson , all systems down sort of car chase! One of those car chases where families are re-united, kids aren't going to school, your calling in sick for work and though your boss knows you're not violently puking up "bad sushi", they are not mad, no! Because, they want to be home on their lazy boy too! EVERYBODY KNOWS ITS HAPPENING! EVERYONE! If you are NOT home when this is happening, you make it home, or to the nearest friends with a well-stocked kitchen, cause this car chase is not going to end anytime soon. AND! Even if you did try to go to work, by the time you turned down 'that road', and everyone has 'THAT ROAD', it would be closed, just in case the CRAZY responsible for this awesome car chase just might turn down there. Granted, you are three states away, but hell, this car chase is insane!!!

So, you don't go to work (Damn Sushi!), and you may or may not make it home, but you're somewhere watching this car chase. By now this chase has got to be getting some serious coverage, so your changing the channels looking for the news station with the best coverage, and even though they all look the same, you still wonder why the Cosby Show is still on with only a tiny news banner at the bottom of the scree. I mean, even though I love, LOVE, The Cosby Show, we have all seen the episode where Rudy is being too bossy to her little boyfriend, so back the car chase. And there it is…THERE IT IS!!!! A close up of the drive, a chick!!! A crazy B*! That's what everyone is going to call her. So, I don't like to curse, it's not my thing, but you can say it if you want. Crazy B, and, years from now, all you have to say is, remember that car chase with the crazy B??? Everyone would know. That's all that needed to be said, they would remember exactly where they were, whom they were with. As your watching it, you can't help but ask, "Where she gunna go?" You ask your buddy like they can see into the future. Crazy B is speeding down the road, people are now outside their homes waving up to the helicopters hoping to get one second of birds eye view fame, all major freeways are being closed for traffic entering and you can't help yourself, staring at the T.V., watching crazy B, "Where she gunna go?"

Oh, and this case it's in L.A., because that's where I live, so of course that makes it more interesting for me, and there are more options in Los Angeles. (I feel.) And if this were me, if I was the one in the chase, BEING chased, I would have signs. I would totally have signs. I would make my partner in crime; yes, I would have a crime partner hold up the signs to the windows for these telegraphic cameras. The signs would ask, "Where she gunna go?" Oooh, and I would be driving in my friend's car, cause she has a sunroof, and my crime friend would then launch a kite through the sunroof! A kite! Yeah, it would have some sort of Disney character on it, or something, cause that feels ironic, and sign holding gets boring, so here comes the kite! I'm all concentrated on the roads, thinking of all the ways I'm going to trick the Cops and keep the masses at home entertained, and what a better way to kill two birds with one stone by being responsable for a kite flying, fleeing car chase?!?!

I guess I would have to plan this out ahead of time, you know because I have signs and kites and a friend involved. So, I would have to be super tricky. I would be all up in Griffith Park and everyone would think it's over, "It's all over from here" they would say, because really, "where she gunna go?" BUT NO, I would have a secret route all planned out ahead of time, with all my plans and all of a sudden make a crazy turn, and be on the move. You are cheering silently at home because it's better than a large budget action, the story climaxes, the kite if flying high (Hopefully not being snagged by one of those Griffith Park trees, but that's just details.) and the car chase continues, and the police are all left on the sides of the road at Griffith, and the people at home are thinking, "Wow! I could have been there! I mean, I have been there once before, I could have been there today! I could have been killed!" So those people are all worked up, now referring to this day, not only as the day of the car chase with the crazy B, but also as they day they almost died. There is a statement from one of the officers, close up and all, "Sometimes these things are hard, we just don't ever know where she is going to go." Everyone at home nods their head along like you were all there or something, chasing me or with me being chased. Monetary bets are being made as to how much longer the kite string is going to hold out, but if it does break, we have more signs You, in Pasadena, or wherever you are at hopes secretly that I will make a car chasing appearance near your home, and I just might, really, I might, because nobody knows, where she's gunna go?!