Dear Sawyer: ONE YEAR Old Man

My newborn is one. One. One year ago, this date, you were born. One year ago, I fell in love at first sight. One year ago, I looked into the most innocent eyes and cried, I’ve never been so happy. One year ago, I held you for the very first time and admired everything about you, smiling at daddy, knowing that together we made something really awesome. One year ago, I heard you cry for the first time and was excited to hear your cries, laughs, and words for the rest of our life. One year ago, I watched you look around, exploring this new world and I made a promise to myself that I would do anything in this new world of yours to make you feel happy and loved. One year ago, I was so tired, completely spent but knew each minute of sleep, was a minute I didn’t get to stare at you. One year ago, I knew you were going to grow up and one year later, you did.

It’s amazing how fast this time has gone. It’s amazing how much you have learned, grown, matured. This letter is a long one, just a warning. I read each of your letters from month one and thought I would take a few pieces from each one and post them here. A collection. Nothing sums up my mood today more than what I wrote in Month Five, “I feel like being a parent is constantly walking a fine line. It’s a line between wanting to keep you my baby forever and cuddle you and cradle you and have you forever be my newborn Sawyer or step onto the other side of the line where you are growing up and learning and becoming more independent every day. It’s so amazing to see you grow and mature and learn what life is all about, but that leaning is a letting go process on my (and Geoff’s) behalf.”

Last night I walked in and Geoff couldn't wait to tell me a story. We have been working very hard on a few signs for you to learn, one of them being 'more'. We sign 'more' to you, then help you sign 'more' and then feed you another bite of food. Last night, daddy said you were being pretty cranky during dinner. He grabbed some snacks, put them on your tray and signed 'more'. You stopped crying, registered familiarity in your face, you picked up one of your snacks and fed daddy. It's funny how you learn versus how we think it would be best to teach you. You see us sign 'more', make you sign 'more' and feed you thinking that if YOU saw that, YOU would sign 'more' and WE would feed you. Instead, you saw DADDY sign 'more', and you fed daddy. Brilliant. I love it.



This month we were busy as normal, but the big event was when mommy left Colorado for a few days. I was very nervous about leaving you. Since you have been born, we have not been apart more than a few hours, and even then, I come home missing you and wanting to cuddle and hug you. I knew a few days would be difficult for me and since you are such a mama's boy, figured it would be difficult for daddy. To be really honest, I also thought him having time with you alone while having to complete house chores and other various activities, he would see that you aren't the easiest cup of tea. You keep me busy kiddo. He continued telling me to go and boy time would be good for the two of you. I left on the plane, excited to go see one of my best friends graduate, and sad to leave my family. We talked everyday, and I knew there would be a few difficult, maybe stressful times for your dad. I was wrong. He said you were sooo great, never cried, slept in until nine every morning and ate like a champ. Is this the same Sawyer I know? Sleeping in until NINE?! I came home a few days later, held you, hugged you, kissed you and you were very calm, very cuddly, you seemed just sightly off from your normal self, like you still weren't sure who I was. I breastfed you and there you were. You popped up, became awake, hyper, and was a cuddle bug no longer, you were my Sawyer, my boy.

We continue to have sleepovers at your bud Ethan's house. I always say how thankful I am for their friendship. Out of the blue, we made friends with this amazing family and I can't picture our life without them. You and Ethan know each other, you are beginning to interact in more kid like manner, each day shedding your baby images. Becky and I look on so excited and so sad. I love watching you two grow and can't fathom you two not going to school together. We joke about who you two are going to grow up to be, the roles you will each take on: the jock, the nerd, the band geek, the book worm, etc. Sawyer, you are very sensitive, you want to make sure everyone is proud of you, happy with your actions. You are a sponge right now, soaking up all the information you can. If you sense someone is about to teach you something, you are all eyes and ears. You pay attention so attentively, I can almost see your brain gearing up to figure things out, attach meaning to words, watching our lips and tongue as we point to letters, sound them out, put the sounds together to form a word and point to the object that attaches with that word. We wave hi, give kisses, high fives, clap our hands and you have it down. I love that you are in learning mode and hope that your passion for figuring how things work, what things are, what words and actions mean continue long into adult hood. Your daddy is a very smart man, and each day, I'm seeing a little more of him in you. Ethan on the other had is a bruiser, anything and everything physical, he will figure out. Can you guess who we think will be the book worm, and who will be the athlete? You two will make a great team.




This month I continued to plan your birthday party. I ordered a cake since I can't bake to save a life and am slightly nervous with how it might turn out. I said I wanted the cake to look hip and cool and blue and green. Ummm, yeah. Each day, daddy asked if I remembered to invite this person and that person and each day I realize how many people in our life love you. You are really lucky. Grandma is also flying in for the big event, the event that celebrates, this day, today, your one year old birthday.

Other things:

Your army crawl is getting faster and faster each day. You like to crawl circles around the house. It's funny to see your face by the time you made it into our room, your parents room. It's almost like you know you shouldn't be in there, like your a little rebel livin' on the edge. Sawyer, if this is you livin' on the edge, my job as mommy is going to be way easier than I expected! Thank you!

You are getting better at feeding yourself with the spoon.

You grew two top teeth and now can bite into anything!

You finally learned the sippy cup, though you still expect us to hold it for you. Lazy.

You can cruise along, walking holding onto anything. You are great at your push toys, and you are even better just walking next to us, holding one of our hands. I love this. This is the image I pictured when I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test. Walking hand in hand with you. And here you are, just one year later, walking with your mommy.




Happy Birthday kiddo. I love you more than I ever thought I could love something. This year has been my favorite by far. Thanks for making our life so amazing!

Lets take a look back...



Month One: I haven't written about you since you were born and I'm so sorry. It's not that you are not important, it's just that you take up so much of my time. Grandma Linda came to visit last week and was able to hold you and let me and Daddy rest a bit. She left and sent us a package shortly after. You got some more clothes (You have so many clothes!) and she sent me pictures of Daddy when he was a baby along with a Journal/Diary documenting the day-to-day happenings of when your daddy was 16 months old. I take this from page one of that journal...

"Today you thought it would be a good idea to take a dirty paper cup from the trash basket in the bathroom and drink from the toilet. After each gulch you would say "aaaaah" as if it was good!!!"-Linda

I can't believe I kiss that guy!!! Anyway, what a fun thing for me to read as his wife, and what a great thing to pass down! In general it inspired me to start writing about you more often. All in all, I love writing and I love you, so why not smash the two together? Here goes…

You had your first camping trip and did GREAT!!! You go for a jog with me every morning, and fall asleep while I jog. It's really nice to be able to run again, so thanks for being so agreeable, and being able to nap in the jogger, what a relief! You are freaken cute, and everyone says so. EVERYONE! We hope it's not the sympathy "cute" from them, but I think you're cute, and that saves us a trip to the fire station. Free baby any one? JK!!! You go to Daddy's kickball games every week and have since you were a few days old. You get mad when I turn you away from the game, so I think you might actually like it! That is all I have for you right now. You are still my baby and I actually really like that. I think you recognize me and love to be in my arms. I know soon you won't like that, so I'm cherishing the moments while I can… that is unless I'm trying to eat.

Oh and last but not least, I already downloaded applications to get into these private schools around here. They are intense!!! I have to tell them everything, dates of every milestone, even how my pregnancy and birth went. It makes me think if you don't hit certain milestones insanely early, you won't be accepted. It makes me wonder if getting an epidural is some sort of minus on your application. Just keep that in mind, momma wants you go to a good school. You know those weird things I do with my hands while I talk to you? That is sign language. We will start slow, but you have to get on the ball quickly because the applications are waiting. No pressure though.


Month 2: For the last few weeks, when we put you down for the night you go for an average of 4 hours of sleep then wake up pretty frequently after that. That long stretch grew a little longer with each passing night until a few nights ago you slept for six hours in a row. SIX!!!! Six hours in a ROW!!! After feeling what it is like after SIX hours of sleep in a row after MONTHS of hardly any sleep at all, I could of bought you a car I was so happy. If I had the means to do it, I would have bought you a car on the spot just to show you how happy I was and bribe you to let me sleep that long more often. I was SO happy that if someone said I could eat all the chocolate chip cookie dough in the world I wanted and never gain an ounce, ever, but I would never be able to sleep for 6 hours in a row again, I would have punched him or her in the face. This is crazy because I LOVE chocolate chip cookie dough and I don’t punch people in the face. However, I can’t buy you a car, that would be foolish, and the cookie dough would give me a stomachache, but I looked forward to more of that thing people call sleep. Unfortunately, that six-hour thing was a total tease.



Month 3 You drool, A LOT! Soon after the drool thing came the discovery of your hands. HANDS! Connected to YOUR body! Hands that YOU move yourself! How is that for amazing?! These hands you decided are so great you will see if you can fit each one whole into your mouth. You first did this when we were at the grocery store! I started exclaiming loudly, "Yes, those are YOUR hands! Do you love them? Do they taste good? HANDS! YAY!" I was so excited by your find, I couldn't help but show it, while everyone in the produce section just kinda looked at me. What do I care, you found HANDS!!!

You are also strong! You are the strongest little thing I have seen. You love to stand! You can stand for hours on end if I let you. You hold on to one finger from each of my hands and just stand up. You do this hip shaking move to keep your balance, but you are strong. Daddy now has you stand on the palm of his hand and with your awesome standing capabilities and him moving has hand back and forth to make up for your hip shaking, you just balance there. No one holding on to your hands! You stand there with your mouth open wide, looking out in the crowd like you are doing some trick on the promenade waiting for your fans to throw money in a jar. Now that I think of it, maybe it's time you start pulling your weight around here, I'll go get you a money jar!



Month 4: I realized this month how obsessed with your brain I am. If not already, then soon, you will have more synapses going on than me or daddy… or any other adult for that matter. Pretty amazing huh?! A little too obsessed with your brain development, I took it upon myself to note where all the teacher resource stores are near here, and what toys are in your near future to foster your development. One day you are going to ask for a toy for the only purpose of it being fun. I hope by that time, you honed in on your persuasive speaking skills That, or got a job to pay for it yourself. Are you wishing you were born into another family yet? Haha, sucker!



Month 5: In one week we will be on vacation! You are five months old and have a passport! Can you believe it?! We are all spending six nights in Turks and Caicos. I used to live there and can’t wait to show daddy one of the places I consider home. I love it there and now get to spend time in one of my favorite places with my all time favorite people, you and daddy. Too bad you are too young to drink because the resort we are going to makes some pretty wicked margaritas.

What has gone on this month now that you are five months old?! Not too much since last month. I worked really hard on getting you on a sleep schedule. Really hard! It was no walk in the park. Since about three months old, I knew I had to wean you from falling asleep in my arms and transferring you into the crib. I knew soon you would have to soothe yourself and that you are old enough to do so. I feel like being a parent is constantly walking a fine line. It’s a line between wanting to keep you my baby forever and cuddle you and cradle you and have you forever be my newborn Sawyer or step onto the other side of the line where you are growing up and learning and becoming more independent every day. It’s so amazing to see you grow and mature and learn what life is all about, but that leaning is a letting go process on my (and Geoff’s) behalf. Without letting go, you can’t learn to your full potential. Teaching you to go to bed on your own is just another way I have to let go. You protested a bit (AKA- cried) and tested us to see if you would be the boss or if we were still in charge, and we had to stay strong. Daddy didn’t understand why it was so easy to put you to bed before and all of a sudden it becomes a chore. Well, simple, before we were tricking you into bed. We put you to bed sleeping and you just woke up there. Now, we are teaching you what bedtime is, what winding down is, what your schedule is and at this point I can now say you are pretty awesome at it.



Month 6: All I have to say is you are the best. You have this adorable smile that changes every few weeks. You used to bite on your lips and now you stick out your tongue. I love it! You are a sweet guy. You go to bed beautifully. You are interested in everything. You love your head rubbed and like to rub other babies head as to show them how good it feels. You like to bring things up to your mouth and constantly try to drink from mommy and daddy's glass. You are getting better at tummy time. You are sitting up on your own for a few minutes until you get distracted and topple over. You are starting to reach for us to pick you up. You are the most amazing little thing to ever come into my life. I say little, because Daddy is the other really amazing thing to come into my life and you are smaller than him. So, yeah. I love you... until you do something that really disappoints me like not getting straight A's in school or not solving world hunger, not earning millions of dollars and buying your parents a yaught. Hear that?! We don't want a dingy!



Month 7: Grandma flew into Denver and we spent a few days in Keystone. Mommy and Daddy got to ski together whenever we wanted while you hung out with Grandma. It's funny, you were not into anyone else but me for a while but you were into Grandma this week. I think you guys had a lot of fun hanging out. One night me and Daddy got back to the condo and Grandma said you were pretty upset, were looking around for me crying out, "Mamamamama!!!" OMG, Did you say Mama?! Did you really say Mama?! I wasn't sure I believed it and figured it was your way of crying. The next day I was in the kitchen and you wanted me again. You cried and in the middle of crying said it again, "Mamamamama!" You cried it until you saw me, reached your hands out for me to pick you up (Man, do I love how you reach for me!!!) and said it again, "mamamamama" until you were in my arms. I heard it one more time, you cried "mamamama" looking and reaching to me. Grandma and Daddy are sure you are saying Mama now. I think you are too but am still too shocked to really believe it. You didn't say it any other time crying. You didn't say it while reaching for anyone else, just me, your mama!



Month 8: You amaze me every day, every minute, and each day that passes we know each other more in depth. I'm noticing that you one of my best friends, we hang out every day, read books together, roll around on the floor, squish food between our fingers. It's fun. I'm teaching you how to grow up and you are teaching me how amazing the simple things are in life are, like texture, colors and sounds. The world is an interesting place, I'll give you that, and I'm so thankful that I get to help you explore each ounce of it one step at a time.

I can't end this letter without talking about one thing I am extremely thankful for: Cuddling. You are cuddling with me!!! My eyes just about water ever time. You reach for me, put your arms around me like in a big hug, and rest your head on my chest. It's amazing. You were never a cuddler, ever, even as a new born. Once you could hold that head up, you kept it up. You wanted to see the world, everyone around you, what was going on but now, NOW, you cuddle, and have cuddled on more than one occasion. It has been at least once a day now, for a few weeks. I can't get over how much I love this, how much I missed you not cuddling with me before and how much I realize you are going to be able to walk all over me and get away with it by just one cuddle from you, my boy, my eight month old.



Month 9: This month was such a COOL month! You are so mature, act so sophisticated. You want to hang with the adults and think you've got this grown up thing down. You've seen us for nine months (Did I mentions you are NINE months old?!?!) and that is plenty of time to just do things on your own. You feed yourself, you grab at our food, and take bites, eat complete things, like crackers, crunchy, hard crackers! You bite off a piece, gum it, and swallow, like a person! A real adult like person!!! Who knew this would ever happen?!?! You grab our cups and drink water like you've been waiting for me to hand you a glass full of water all day. You wipe your own face and hands after eating, you type on my computer and would rather "type" than play with any of your toys. You would rather just hang out with me doing the most boring thing, than be placed in front of those, oh so lame and immature toys. Man, you are a grown up!

There is nothing short of remarkable about you. You are sooo cool to watch. It's amazing how much you learn, how quickly you pick things up from watching us. You are a total blast, you are becoming a real person. You are starting to understand that we can entertain each other, and you try so hard to make me laugh, to make me happy, to make me proud, and you do, EVERYDAY, EVERY SECOND you make me sooo happy, make me laugh really hard, make me soo proud and I find myself wondering how I got to be so lucky to be your mommy.



Month 10: Right now you are standing at one of your toys, looking at me, waving hi to yourself and yelling, "MMmmmmmAAAmmmaaaaaa!!!" I'm right here kiddo, I'll always be here for you, forever. You've gotten a little louder lately, and this new wave thing is pretty cute. We have been waving 'hi' to you FOREVER now and the way you perform this trick, it looks like you are waving me in. Really, I think it's you imitating our wave from your perspective, or waving to yourself. Damn, you are cute.

You still do not want to crawl properly but you are now doing this army crawl thing. Elbows and belly, dragging yourself along. Keeping a low profile, perhaps, not wanting me to catch you inching towards something you are not suppose to touch.

Every month I fall more in love with you. Just last night I put you to bed and walked into the room saying, "I just LOVE him!" I don't know what you do, but you've got this spell over me and most other people. Everyone just loves you. You continue to love brunettes and stare at any dark haired pretty girl. At daddy's work party the other night, you stared at one of the girls he works with. Would not take your eyes off of her until the dark haired server walked by and then you got distracted by more prettiness. It cracks me up.




Month 11: You have been SO much fun this month! I am just in love with all this fun! You're hilarious, you realize that you can do things to make us laugh and then ham it up. You do this thing on the changing table where you act super serious, grab my arm, stick your mouth to it, pause for a bit and then CRACK up. It's like you just played the funniest joke on me ever. I'm still not sure what it means or how you thought that one up, but you think it's great and so do I.

We have had a lot of fun this month and had a packed schedule. We continue with the swim lessons with your bud Ethan and you two are doing sooo well. You kick and splash and have a blast in the water. I was really worried that you would hate it, but that isn't the case. Each time you and Ethan are in the water, Becky and I can't help but talk about our upcoming sailing vacation and now that you like the water as much as Ethan, you are really going to have a good time in the warm ocean waters! We spent another weekend in Conifer, you went to your first baseball game, we take lots of walks when the weather is warm, had a few picnics in the park, and play dates once a week. Phew, you make me tired!



I love you Sawyer. Twenty more years and then we will really celebrate!!!

Your mommy forever and ever!