The Puff Cookie Ruined my Life.

"I'm never making cookies again! Never ever! Ever."

Yes, I'm on facebook and that was my recent status update. I'm not a status updater kind of person, but I had it. I had it and I wanted the world to know. Cookies and I are broken up for good and there is nothing they can do to win me back in their life.

Since the story is a little too long for a status update and you all want an explanation, here is where the explanation will go.

Yes, people, I can't bake cookies, which pretty much means I suck at life. .

It all started I since I was old enough to be trusted with an oven. My parents let me do my own cooking thing and decided I was all about baking cookies. I found a recipe and went to town. Mind you, I don't come from the most crafty, chef like family. No, oh no, we did not cook well, we did not bake well, we did not craft well, or at all. I was blazing my own cookie trail and was proud of it. Yup, follow me to chocolate chip heaven, it will be a yummy trip... or so I thought.

The fist cookies I made puffed up an incredible amount leading the the name "Puff Cookies." Forgive me if I've mentioned them before, but these Puff Cookies are famous. Ask any of my family members and they will look back, errr, fondly? Despite the cake like consistency, and large sphere like shape, I thought these cookies were about the best I've ever had. My family thought so too. Every time I baked Puff Cookies ,they would bag several up and give them out to the friends. "They are sooo good, we are going to give some to Linda's family, and Marissa's and..." Being the kind and thoughtful person I am, I knew my family would want a lasting supply of cookies as well, so I baked more. I baked and baked and baked, Puff Cookie after Puff Cookie. We were in a land of Puff Cookies and everyone just loved them sooo much, they had to give a bunch to so and so, and the bag lady at the grocery store and church group and, well, the list went on.

Somehow I lost that recipe. I would think back to the child baker in me and wonder how I can have another chance at pleasing the cookie palate with my famous Puff Cookies. I guess I never mentioned it to anyone until a phone conversation with my step mom.

Step Mom- "Oh MAN, remember those HORRIBLE cookies you used to make when you were little?! Puff Cookies?! HAHA, those were the WORST! Remember we would put them in bags, tell you we were giving them to friends JUST to get them OUT of the house?!?! Oh, that was funny!"

Me- Silently wiping tear. "Huh?"

So, forgive me if the thought of baking cookies makes me sweat a little.

But, how old am I? I can bake some freakin' cookies. I know I can! How hard can it be?

There were the the "Wheat Cookies", that tasted like packed dirt with a chocolate chip thrown in every so often. This is the batch of cookies my husband would only consume while drunk.

There were several batches of the "Paper Cookies". These cookies were the complete opposite of the Puff Cookie. Flat, stuck to the pan, all the dough ran together. I had a hard time prying these off the sheet.

Speaking of prying, there were the "Hulk Cookies" that were sooo hard and soooo STUCK, cookies flew into the other room by the time the spatula got between cookie and baking sheet. That was a workout.

Failure after failure, my cookie confidence is something not to be bragged about and my cookie cravings go un-fulfilled. I have a few recipes from friends who swear they are failure proof. I haven't tried them yet and it may take me a while to build my confidence enough to even pull out the chocolate chips or the recipes. Why?

"It's the tin foil or pan that is bad, you have to use parchment paper!" Another told me who basks in her cookie glory.

Yesterday I bought some already made cookie dough. I figure I'm sooo bad at cookies, I have to treat my baking skills like one would treat an unknown allergy. Taking away possible culprits and leaving others until one pinpoints the enemy. I will take away my version of the recipe. I don't want to think about Butter versus Crisco, versus oil versus ALL THAT STUFF I CAN'T HANDLE! To melt or let soften at room temperature? To stir or blend? There is too much to think about! I decided to focus on the pan and oven. Simple yes?

I open the cookie dough and it smell great. I'm thinking about the parchment paper. Got to use parchment paper she said. We don't have parchment but we have wax paper. They look the same so my mind convinces me they must be pretty much the same.

Wax paper and parchment paper are VERY different.

I smoked out the house and have wax cookies. Thank God our smoke alarm is not sensitive.

I'm done baking cookies. I'm absolutely done. We are broken up and I'm never looking back!