This is no Cinderella Story

I was going to write you guys about this house and how we don't ever see bugs, and everyone warned us of mountain living and how you will see all sorts of crawly, creepy critters and I was like, IN YOUR FACE SUCKAHS. I mean, we saw two stink bug/beetle things and of course Geoff picked them up and threw them outside alive. Then we saw them again and he was like, "How are they getting in here?' Umm, because you pick them up lovingly and place them right outside our door. SMASH THEIR BRAINS OUT!

Then Saturday night, I'm using the bathroom, like I do a hundred times a night and what comes out to greet me?

A mouse.

A MOUSE!

I told you guys I was going to see them, remember? UGH, I tried not to freak, and the thing just looks at me, like, "Heyyyy gurl, how's it hangin'?"

And I was like, silently FREAKING!

So, the mouse runs back into the linen closet thing across from the toilet then back out to check on me, you know, make sure it's all coming out okay and then runs into our walk in closet.

It's like 3am and I don't know what to do and I don't want to wake Geoff because if he cares, he should get some sleep but most likely he won't and sleep anyway.

I on the other hand can not get to sleep. I imagine him crawling into our bed and making a nest in my hair.

I imagine me stepping on him barefoot in the middle of the night and poop squirting everywhere. I'm not sure why.

I imagine him pooping on all the floors I've cleaned over and over again on my hands and knees. He must die horribly.

At one point I remember dreaming about an airport and I as I woke to the sun rising and Sawyer screaming, I was happy I got a nap but the evil mouse eyes plotting my downfall was the only thing in my mind.

I head across our living room to get Sawyer and I see a mouse run from the fireplace, under the couch right toward my feet. I'm screaming and trying to lift myself onto furniture totally forgetting that I'm 30 pounds heavier and my body doesn't get off the ground like it used to. In fact, it didn't get off the ground one inch.

"A mouse, it's a mouse! It's heading right for me, help! Ahhhhh!!!!!!!"

Geoff gets up and closes the door so he can't hear my screaming. So heroic.

The mouse darts into the kitchen and I grab Sawyer and step back into the living room.

My heart is beating and Sawyer is saying, "Food! Food! Please, food!"

Child, do you know what is in the kitchen? Food is the LAST thing you are getting right now.

I'm still freaking out and I think I hear Geoff snoring. I sit in the dining room table and google Lowes to see what type of death traps they have and wonder if anyone there will be offended if I stop by 'as is', without my teeth brushed and some mismatched pajamas. This mouse must die. This mouse must die.

Lowes doesn't open for two hours. Sawyer REALLY is wanting food and I don't think I can function and WHY does Lowes not open at 6am every day?

I tip toe into the kitchen and grab him cereal and milk.

No mouse.

Breathe Holly, breathe.

Knowing I can't let this guy go free for another two hours, I put together my own mouse trap, a toilet paper roll, a piece of cardboard on a ramp and an empty waste basket. I put some peanut butter on the toilet paper roll and balance it just so hoping the mouse will run up the ramp, be enticed into the peanut butter tunnel and when he gets to the treat, topple along with the toilet paper roll into the trash can.

I have no daggers to paste at the bottom of the trashcan. It's like the nicest mouse trap ever, the last thing I had in mind was nice, but whatever.

We get dressed and I head to a grocery store instead of Lowes because this opens before 8am. Screw Lowes, where are they when you really need them.

Men are filing out of this store one by one with fresh flowers for their mommy wives.

My husband shut the door so he couldn't hear my death screams and could sleep in.

AND there is a mouse in the house.

Ugh, Happy Mother's Day to me.


But, who wants to see some pictures?!?!

The day we moved in:




Nursery is in progress now.




Of course it snows the weekend we move in.

We still have a lot to do, mostly painting and replacing hardware so here are some just settling in pictures but not really "afters" just yet.






When I get a free week, the cabinets are getting a creamy white makeover.


This is the bedding I sewed. It still needs to be ironed but I was too excited to see what it looked like in a crib. (A crib I set up all by myself in a room I painted all by myself... just thought I would add that part in.)


More detailed pictures to come as we slowly get things checked off our list. I can't believe how much work a house is! Hope you all had a critter free Mother's Day!

Love youuuuuu all!

me

37 Weeks Pregnant

I had a dream last night that I was a contestant on some Amazing Race type show but for Interior Designers. I kept slowing down my team because I HAD to stop at each grocery store along the way to buy thumbprint cookies. (Ahh, those sound so good right now!) Basically, my team lost because I had to stuff my face with cookies.

Not so far off from reality when I sit down eating chips and salsa and think I have a moment of clarity when I imagine just blending up the chips and salsa so I can get it down my throat quicker. I have a problem.

I'm officially full term now and things are still on the boring side. The only interesting news I have is my blood pressure is rising. I was sure it was due to all the house stuff but now that we are here and I can relax, the BP is still rising and they found trace protein in my urine. Soooo, I just hope my BP doesn't rise much more and this little lady can stay in for a few weeks.

Oh, I'm also getting shooting pain in my inner thigh which I read is my pelvic bone not being aligned right now. Lovely.

Besides THAT stuff, all else is normal. WE moved and I'm carrying heavy things and painting the nursery a pink that dried way brighter than expected and being busy trying to make this house our home meaning I've been sucking on the blogging front.

I can't believe that on Monday I have TWO weeks until my due date! Sawyer came a week early sooooo, yeah. Wow, time is flyin' and all the things I want done before she comes are not even close to finished.

The doctor said since I'm in no hurry to have her, she wasn't going to even check for dilation because she didn't want to speed anything up or distract me from all the stuff I said I had to do before she came. I really love my doctor, no matter what I tell her, she is cool with it. I do feel like I'm dilating though and tell Geoff that my vagina is falling off. He just shrugs and says not to grow a penis. Men.

Oh, and I lost half a pound in the last two weeks. Shocker, right?

Okay, my head is all over the place, I have to finish painting, get the kid in a tub, head to Denver for play group, the the store, and Lowes and then back here where it's SNOWING! (Someone tell Colorado it's MAY!)

Love you guys! The real Holly will be back soon, promise!

To make a long story short...

WE MOVED!

It was kind of a surprise closing, we had less than 24 hours to get all our stuff out of one place and into another and all that during a snow storm.

But.

But.

BUT,

WE ARE IN THE HOUSE!

More rants and raves, details and pictures to come later. We don't have our internet hooked up yet so my access is super duper limited and my time is well, even more limited than internet access.

THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO and sooooo little time.

Time Out

I'm probably going to be absent for a few days. I'm more than furious to put it lightly. I have nothing rational or constructive to say and my only desire is to plot the downfall of a real estate agent (our short sale negotiator) in Colorado. I can't help but think some of this anger is fueled by my pregnancy hormones but nothing would make me happier than to ruin his professional life so I think I should ground myself from publishing things on the internet. I'm grounded.

BUT, if you want to send me any tips like the following sent to me via facebook:

"Subscribe his email to every fetish porn site you can google. "
(Thanks A, I know you've got my back!)

Any others???

I love you guys and will be back when I can see through the flames in my eyes.

P.S. I never understood people that couldn't control their anger. i've always been so controlled but this transaction is sending me over the edge. I'm sooo over the edge.

Mean Girls

Last night the hubby and I were watching some guys on TV fire things at each other's balls.

I know, quality.

I said that I didn't get boys, "They are SOOO mean!"

"What do you mean BOYS are mean, girls are SOOOO much more mean!"

More quality, right?

But he is right, not to offend any of my fellow ladies, but we are EVIL. We don't aim for physical harm, we aim for emotional and psychological, you know, the kind that doesn't heal with a cast and where the pain lingers on much longer.

While I don't think aiming for others emotions are the best way to vent our insecurities, I also think if we were to all fire at each other's vaginas, we wouldn't have enough V-Strength to give birth and the world population would come to an end.

In honor of saving the world population (Because I'm awesome.), I thought we could all use a little confession time, you know, like we are all good church girls (And boys, guess you guys can play too...).

I call it, "Meanest thing you've ever EVER Done and may or may not Regret."

This is going to be such a fun game! And no judging.

Confession:

In fourth grade (P.S. I can't believe I'm telling you guys this, I feel horrible.), I spit in this girl's face because I thought (and maybe even told her) she was ugly.

Yeah, yikes huh?

After, I cried at her mercy and begged her not to tell on me.

She didn't.

I wish I remembered her name because I bet she is some Victoria Secret model all hot and rich with perky boobs. AND, I am happy for her if that is the case because the bottom of my boobs fall asleep at night from the saggy booby cutting off skin circulation and I'm sure Victoria Secret doesn't want any of that crap on their runway.

That is my confession...


Ohhh, YOUR TURN!

Remember, this is to save the population. No pressure.

Dear Denver Drivers (Especially you RTD):

STOP RUNNING RED LIGHTS!

I have a very cute passenger.

Not to offend people that put couches on their porch but...

I used to live in the Caribbean. Most of you know this and if you didn't, you know now but that isn't the important part. The important part about that sentence essentially means, I've seen cockroaches.

Cockroaches.

When I say cockroaches, I don't mean, normalish, bug size things. I mean things you can put a saddle on and ride around the island catching the sights and breathing the warm air.

BIG. They were big and you could hear them walk, their feet tapping away on the ground. They were gross, they were everywhere, they pushed up out of your drains, even when you had the stopper on, plugging the drain and water coming down at full speed on top of said drain. These things mortified me. I'm not a bug girl. I don't feel the need to understand them, want to hold them, want them near me. I would rather hold a magnifying glass to them with the sun shining through and watch them burn. Actually, I would rather have them killed quickly, more humane, but not because I'm nice, just because I don't want them to run away on me and survive.

I told you before, Geoff is nicer than I am. He keeps them alive, not cockroaches because I've never seen him handle a cockroach, but he says if he sees a bug, he'll pick it up and put it outside. I want it dead.

In Turks, nothing killed cockroaches, you could hear them laugh at cockroach poison, like you challenged them to a duel they could win. And they would. They were immune to cockroach poison but they weren't immune to the boat captain that lived next to me. I would knock on his door in panic until he answered and promised to attack the invaders. He would kill and I would move on with my day, a little shook up but would move on.

I did learn one thing about Cockroaches the size of commercial dump trucks: AquaNet. Cockroach poison didn't do anything but when the boat captain was gone one day and I had to confront those things on my own, I pointed my roommate's hair spray at one guy and AquaNet brought that sucker down to his knees! Death by bang spray.

I think things that are invading my space should die. I don't get why people think this is so wrong. If animals feel threatened, you know, like lions or something, they would fight the threatening intruder, sometimes until death. I know this because I've seen the Animal Channel before. This sounds crazy to those that know I don't really like animals.

"OMG, she is evil, she HATES animals!"

I know you are thinking that. I'm not a fan of hair, or jumping on me, or making me buy you food for your ENTIRE life while you just drool on me and my friends and then make my house dirty and my black pants hairy right before I'm going out to happy hour. NOT INTO IT.

You can have an animal, that is cool, I just don't want them. Hairy things or bugish things are not on my top friends list. SO, no surprise that I wouldn't like mice, right?

The house.

Come on, you KNEW I was going to mention it. If you are new here (HI!!!) , we have been under contract with this awesome house in the mountains on 10 acres for NINE months! To make a super long and mostly negative story short, we think we got the house. Well, the second lien holder approved and we are suppose to close in less than a week. We have yet to believe it because we've been so screwed over by the short sale process so I'm still holding off on the big announcement with updates. BUT, a house on 10 acres in the middle of mountains with deer and bears and mountain lions also mean mice. MICE. I didn't think of this when I fell in love with the house and its big windows and formal dining room and told Geoff they are NOT welcome and I will indeed freak out and scream like a chick in a bad sci fi. I will.

Geoff and I are on the same page about a lot of things and on way different pages about others. When it comes to health and cleanliness, we are pretty close. I clean and he likes it that way. Nice right? No, really, if any of us feel something is threatening our health or just plain gross, we change it. My friend once asked me if it was hard not to blog about a fight you get into. This is our venting right? Our thoughts thrown out to the internet. Well, it is. We don't fight often and if we do, it's about the X Box and sometimes I want to tell you guys about it and for all of you to say, "Holly, you are SOOOOO right!"

Here is your chance. I don't think we got in a fight because we weren't even mad but we disagreed on something and it bugged me. The house was full of crap the prior owners left in it. CRAP. Stuff we are taking to the dumpster, and this stuff takes up almost a full two car garage! Geoff emptied everything out of the house we are throwing away and I wasn't sure why two gross couches and a mattress set were left inside. If I know one thing about mice, I know they would happily nest in a comfy place than somewhere hard and cold. I'm POSITIVE that mice made mansion homes in these couches and mattresses and I want the OUT! Geoff thinks we should use the mattress set for our guest bedroom.

I ask: Which one of you would sleep on that damn thing? MICE lived in there, seriously, I know it, and trust me, I'm ALWAYS right! I refuse to keep them in the house.

Then the couches, I was sure he thought they were as putrid as I did. They are floral, which I'm not fan of, but the biggest thing is they are DIRTY. I mean, the cushions that are suppose to be almost white are dark brown. DARK BROWN and you know what Geoff says, "Why would we throw out couches?"

Ummmm, because we are not going to end on TLC Hoarders. That is why. OH and they are sick. AND ugly, and there were mice in them.

"How do you know there were mice in them? We can put them on the porch?"

DIRTY COUCHES on our pretty porch? Are we really that white trash?

I fumed a little bit at his stupid ideas because they are stupid right? RIGHT?! I mean, was he joking? Maybe hit his head earlier yesterday morning but didn't tell me about it? I took a bath to think about how I was going to approach the situation and just decided I was going to be the perfect wife regarding the MOUSE MATTRESS and POOP COUCH.

I was going to do it behind his back. I mean, guys are forgetful right? I don't think he'll even notice. I can't take mice advice from a guy that would probably pick them up and throw them outside.

Because, Hell, I'm stocking up on AquaNet.

32 Weeks Pregnant

I feel like Texas. You know, big.

Big with a love of Mexican food and a thing for country.

I like country music right now, did I tell you guys this? I don't know if I can blame that one on hormones but I am big. Very big. Everything is tight. I complain and Geoff says, "You are smaller than last pregnancy, I think you look great."

That is his job, to compliment me but guess what, the one pair of pants I have left from last pregnancy are SKIN TIGHT! It looks like I went to some club and had my outfit painted on. There is no difference between body paint and my clothes, you can see every flap of skin, each lovely lady lump. I had two buttons pop off my pants just this week. I mean, don't tell me that is okay! It's not okay!

I just want to wear my pajamas EVERYWHERE! I don't get Colorado, no one does that. It's pretty common in California, if you have cute PJ's, you can totally wear them out to run your errands. Work out wear is common there too but not here. People look at you strange, trust me, I've tried. But whenever I go back to L.A., half the population is in some type of cute comfy pant, with a mismatched cute top, hair perfectly tousled and big sunglasses. Why can't I pull that off Denver, WHY?!?! Okay, one more example on how I'm gaining weight at record speeds: I bought two maternity shirts just three weeks ago. Both shirts were too big, room to grow, and stretchy. Well my friends, they are stretched to their limit. I'm sitting in one of them right now, it won't even cover my back as I lean forward. This is truth.

My friend sent me a Hypnobirthing book to help prep for this all natural birth I envision. In preparation, I thought it would be good to sit on my husbands hips without giving him time to rearrange his man jewels and yell, "OOooochhh! This hurts, I don't think I can do it anymore. IDON'TTHINKICANLIVE!!!! MUST have EPIDURAL!!!!!"

He sort of just looked at me.

"Babe," I say, "this is practice for when I'm in pain. I want to do this without the epi, so you need to be all, 'You are strong, hear you roar, and crap'".

"Owwww!!!!" I yell again.

"I don't care what it costs, I'll pay you cash, give the girl some drugs... and can you please, ummm, well, you are a little heavy." He nods to the side of him, clearly wanting me off his man zone.

Sooo not what I had in mind.


Other things:

I got a surprise ultrasound today and the sister is INDEED a sister and HEAD DOWN!

Woo! Sooo good for this birth plan I've got going on in my head.

The doctor also kept saying how great her brain looked. Couldn't get over her brain and "Wow, she is going to be sooo smart!" I can only assume that means she has a big head and my vagina will indeed shatter like glass BUT not like I haven't experienced THAT one before.

Onto the pics!!!




(This one is actually from 31 weeks but I couldn't resist throwing in a picture of my niece!)

Eat Your Heart Out Celestial Seasonings!

Notice: Sawyer sock in cup.

Photo and text Message from the hubby: "Sawyer made me some tea. Ewwww, disgusting!"

I'm still laughing and it's been like two weeks!