Not to offend people that put couches on their porch but...

I used to live in the Caribbean. Most of you know this and if you didn't, you know now but that isn't the important part. The important part about that sentence essentially means, I've seen cockroaches.

Cockroaches.

When I say cockroaches, I don't mean, normalish, bug size things. I mean things you can put a saddle on and ride around the island catching the sights and breathing the warm air.

BIG. They were big and you could hear them walk, their feet tapping away on the ground. They were gross, they were everywhere, they pushed up out of your drains, even when you had the stopper on, plugging the drain and water coming down at full speed on top of said drain. These things mortified me. I'm not a bug girl. I don't feel the need to understand them, want to hold them, want them near me. I would rather hold a magnifying glass to them with the sun shining through and watch them burn. Actually, I would rather have them killed quickly, more humane, but not because I'm nice, just because I don't want them to run away on me and survive.

I told you before, Geoff is nicer than I am. He keeps them alive, not cockroaches because I've never seen him handle a cockroach, but he says if he sees a bug, he'll pick it up and put it outside. I want it dead.

In Turks, nothing killed cockroaches, you could hear them laugh at cockroach poison, like you challenged them to a duel they could win. And they would. They were immune to cockroach poison but they weren't immune to the boat captain that lived next to me. I would knock on his door in panic until he answered and promised to attack the invaders. He would kill and I would move on with my day, a little shook up but would move on.

I did learn one thing about Cockroaches the size of commercial dump trucks: AquaNet. Cockroach poison didn't do anything but when the boat captain was gone one day and I had to confront those things on my own, I pointed my roommate's hair spray at one guy and AquaNet brought that sucker down to his knees! Death by bang spray.

I think things that are invading my space should die. I don't get why people think this is so wrong. If animals feel threatened, you know, like lions or something, they would fight the threatening intruder, sometimes until death. I know this because I've seen the Animal Channel before. This sounds crazy to those that know I don't really like animals.

"OMG, she is evil, she HATES animals!"

I know you are thinking that. I'm not a fan of hair, or jumping on me, or making me buy you food for your ENTIRE life while you just drool on me and my friends and then make my house dirty and my black pants hairy right before I'm going out to happy hour. NOT INTO IT.

You can have an animal, that is cool, I just don't want them. Hairy things or bugish things are not on my top friends list. SO, no surprise that I wouldn't like mice, right?

The house.

Come on, you KNEW I was going to mention it. If you are new here (HI!!!) , we have been under contract with this awesome house in the mountains on 10 acres for NINE months! To make a super long and mostly negative story short, we think we got the house. Well, the second lien holder approved and we are suppose to close in less than a week. We have yet to believe it because we've been so screwed over by the short sale process so I'm still holding off on the big announcement with updates. BUT, a house on 10 acres in the middle of mountains with deer and bears and mountain lions also mean mice. MICE. I didn't think of this when I fell in love with the house and its big windows and formal dining room and told Geoff they are NOT welcome and I will indeed freak out and scream like a chick in a bad sci fi. I will.

Geoff and I are on the same page about a lot of things and on way different pages about others. When it comes to health and cleanliness, we are pretty close. I clean and he likes it that way. Nice right? No, really, if any of us feel something is threatening our health or just plain gross, we change it. My friend once asked me if it was hard not to blog about a fight you get into. This is our venting right? Our thoughts thrown out to the internet. Well, it is. We don't fight often and if we do, it's about the X Box and sometimes I want to tell you guys about it and for all of you to say, "Holly, you are SOOOOO right!"

Here is your chance. I don't think we got in a fight because we weren't even mad but we disagreed on something and it bugged me. The house was full of crap the prior owners left in it. CRAP. Stuff we are taking to the dumpster, and this stuff takes up almost a full two car garage! Geoff emptied everything out of the house we are throwing away and I wasn't sure why two gross couches and a mattress set were left inside. If I know one thing about mice, I know they would happily nest in a comfy place than somewhere hard and cold. I'm POSITIVE that mice made mansion homes in these couches and mattresses and I want the OUT! Geoff thinks we should use the mattress set for our guest bedroom.

I ask: Which one of you would sleep on that damn thing? MICE lived in there, seriously, I know it, and trust me, I'm ALWAYS right! I refuse to keep them in the house.

Then the couches, I was sure he thought they were as putrid as I did. They are floral, which I'm not fan of, but the biggest thing is they are DIRTY. I mean, the cushions that are suppose to be almost white are dark brown. DARK BROWN and you know what Geoff says, "Why would we throw out couches?"

Ummmm, because we are not going to end on TLC Hoarders. That is why. OH and they are sick. AND ugly, and there were mice in them.

"How do you know there were mice in them? We can put them on the porch?"

DIRTY COUCHES on our pretty porch? Are we really that white trash?

I fumed a little bit at his stupid ideas because they are stupid right? RIGHT?! I mean, was he joking? Maybe hit his head earlier yesterday morning but didn't tell me about it? I took a bath to think about how I was going to approach the situation and just decided I was going to be the perfect wife regarding the MOUSE MATTRESS and POOP COUCH.

I was going to do it behind his back. I mean, guys are forgetful right? I don't think he'll even notice. I can't take mice advice from a guy that would probably pick them up and throw them outside.

Because, Hell, I'm stocking up on AquaNet.