Kisses

Me to Sawyer, "Sawyer, kiss Charlotte Goodnight."

Sawyer after kissing Charlotte goodnight, "Charlotte, now kiss me on my BUTT!"

Nice Sawyer, real nice.

Operation Selfish

My friend Melissa wrote me asking if it was cool if she designed a blog head thingy.

I mentioned her before, she DESIGNED all the decorations for the Lemonade Stand Party. And I swear every time she emails me I find out some incredible talent so I'm going to get her to quit her job and do the stuff that she LOVES doing and get paid for it.

So, seriously, if you want the most awesome-est birthday banners, invites, menus EVER, get in touch with her. (She has no idea that I'm writing this and forcing her into business so DON'T tell her I sent you! K?)

But that isn't why I'm writing, I'm writing because I was looking for a picture of me and the kids for the banner and guess what?

That picture doesn't exist. Seriously. Okay, I think I have TWO, one of which I took on my mac and got deleted when my hard drive crashed and the other I took OF MYSELF with my iphone when Charlotte was two days old... and lets face it, I'm not pretty after labor.

I have a BAZILLION of Geoff and the kids so now I'm getting sad and ask him to take pictures of me sometimes too because I'm their mom and if someone digs up our city in a bunch of years and finds pictures, I want MY FACE to be connected with MY KIDS. And that crap happens you know, we dig up cities and look at faces carved in stone and, well, put two and two together. So can't a mom have a picture with her kids? So he got all defensive and says he has to be TOLD to take a picture where I want him to just think we look cute and take our damn picture.

Soooo, I think I'm going to try to take a picture of my own freakin' self every day for a week. I was going to say a month but we all know I'm not that motivated right? My goal is to have ONE decent picture of ME and my two babies before they are eighteen.

Because we all know I'm not getting any cuter here.

BVI Charter Sail Trip Part 1: The Conch Penis

conch: 1. A tropical marine mollusk (Strombus and other genera, family Strombidae) with a spiral shell that may bear long projections and have a flared lip. (freedictionary.com)

Basically an edible snail that lives in the sea. All snails are hermaphrodites and the conch is no exception. When the conch is a dude, it shimmies his penis out of his shell, around and into the female conch shell then proceeds to give her his conch juice. Because the penis has to travel a LONG distance, they have HUGE man parts! HUGE! I've seen them before. Sometimes other sea life will feast on the conch penis while he is trying to get lucky but it's no thang cause that sucker can grow back. No joke.

Strange that I know so much about conch (Thanks to a conch tour in Turks and Caicos.) but stranger that I will throw down conch fritters like no one while armed with such info.

Two years ago we chartered a catamaran in the Virgin Islands and it was an AMAZING trip. You can read the super details while I pretend to write for a travel magazine in part 1, part 2, and part 3. This year we went without our kids. Leaving our kids behind was as awesome as it was not. Every couple including us had kids that were left with their Grandma. Before this trip, I couldn't WAIT for a vacation with JUST my husband; we called it our "Finally Honeymoon" but while there without our babies waking us up with cuddles and kisses, it was hard to bear. It wasn't 24 hours before we talked birth stories and vaginal tears with each other so we filled drinks for our empty hands to hold and dared each other to jump naked off the boat daily to keep our minds off the kids we left behind.

"Finally Honeymoon" soon became "Tour de Conch Fritters" because I can't get enough of those hermy sea snails. Now that we are back and I've gone 24 hours without said fritters, I'm getting shaky. Conch is no joke.

I like them mashed to hell, rolled in a bunch of stuff and FRIED. We ate them at every stop. Geoff asked our second to last night if we HAD to have conch fritters, wasn't I tired of them? I refrained from explaining that conch is a natural aphrodisiacs and HE should be the THANKING me but then knew he might expect some place to put his man parts that night... if you know what I mean.

And thanks to those damn conch fritters and countless rum drinks, I gained eight pounds in ten days.

While squeezing my fat A$$ in a thong, SPF 50, a hat and a shirt on almost at all times, I still couldn't escape the intense Caribbean sun and currently look like a New Jersey Shore cast member.

Snooki would be proud.

It's a good thing our boat crew totally rocked and was more than willing to put up with my drunk reenactments of popular Broadway musicals. As my new "J-Friend" would say, "Bless their hearts."

Will post more later this week about the trip and my new favorite place, Cow Wreck Beach. Love you all and I'm happy to be back!!!

Getting my Jib ON!

We are at it again. Just a teaser before we strike it big, buy a boat, homeschool the kids and get a boob job.

Kidding... about the homeschool part.

Okay and the boob job, geeze, way to call me out like that!

Grandma flies in Wednesday and Geoff and I fly out Thursday. Ten days in the Virgin Islands without my babies. It makes me tear up thinking about leaving them but I've got a thong to rock, we're going to look so European.

And check out our sweet ride:


I love you all more than Smores while camping.

See you in the nextish week!