And Row 7 I'll be cutting OFF your Oxygen Supply in case of Emergency.

I can't NOT say something about Steven Slater, the JetBlue employee with a fabulous emergency exit since, umm, I was a Galley Hag, Coffee Jockey, Hostitute, I mean FLIGHT ATTENDANT once.

I still remember the little speech: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard (Take a wild guess) Airline. Located in your seat back pocket is a safety briefing card...

I was good.

I would smile if I thought you deserved it, sometimes I would do my paper work and I was really good at pretending I didn't have change for your liquor money. I mean, a girl needs a bonus sometimes.

I was kind of like this:


Really though, some people think this guy is a freakin' hero for quitting a job in only ways we can dream, others think he put people in danger and should be punished for being unable to control his own actions.

I could really care less, all I know is that once people step onto the aircraft, they lose all power to use their brain therefore relieving flight attendants the responsibility of treating passengers with respect.

So here it is again folks so YOU can get to your destination AVEC flight attendants:



Consent form to fly from yours truly:



Its a plane not a spa so hold off on the toe nail clippings.

No, we are not looking at the size of your boyfriend's penis buldge, we are checking to see if his seatbelt is fastened.

How do I know your bag wont fit? I pretty much live on these aircrafts, Im not saying it to get back at your mother, I'm telling you because your bag wont fit. Really.

Needing a bottle of water during take-off is not an emergency unless your shorts are on fire, so can you wait five minutes?!

Don't take the seatbelt sign serious and we will find the new knot on your head amusing.

Don't slam my bins! I don't go to your house and slam doors, or hide my gum under the arm rest of your chairs for that matter.

Masterbating in flight is not a compliment to anyone and a blanket does not make you invincible.


When my pilots step out of the flight deck to greet you or say goodbye, be respectfull, do the same. I'm super protective of my pilots, so when they stand next to me as you de-plane, look her or him in the eyes and say something, like 'nice flight' perhaps. Its amazingly sad how little they recieve a compliment, a wave, recognition, or eye contact... then tell me how pretty I am.


Wash your hands, I don't want your germs.

No, your baby is not cute when it is taking our snacks and smashing them into our floor, I don't care how blue their eyes are.

Most of your flight attendants have degrees, read more books in a month than the average American does in their life, and is in this job to travel, therefore well cultured. Don't treat us like idiots... ask us a stupid question and we will reply with a stupid answer, just to see the look on your face.

When we warn you to watch your elbows and knees for the cart coming through the isle, don't complain when they get hit.

Will your bags make it? No! Always expect the worst and you will never be dissapointed.

Wheelchairs in Chicago OHare are like Leprachans and gold at the end of a rainbow...good luck!

I am not psychic. How am I suppose to know your entire gut can fold over the seatbelt? Lift it and show me the belt is worn "low and tight".

Your warm bag of barf left under your seat after a flight is not a welcoming suprise... just let me know right away and I will properly disspose it, no surprises.

Oh yeah, I willed that thunderstorm in Chicago, fog in San Francisco, and snow in New York so they cancel your flight, do you really think I control the weather? I want to get there just as bad as you, trust me, it's probably my one flight from home.


Sign here if you understand and will pull off any of the above idiot actions.


X_________________________ Date:_____________ You are now free to fly!